Well today is day 5 of chemo number 4. I have slept for about the last 4 days or so. Have learned how to control the body aches and joint pains for the most part.
Chemo #2 was a little easier than one and #3 a little easier than two. So I am hopinig that #4 is even easier than #3.
The drying of the mouth and thinning of the mouth and stomach linings aren't as bad. The nausea is about the same though.
Was told that I am in menopause due to the chemotherapy...and boy can I tell. If I am not hot, I am cold. If I am not cold I am emotional. If I am not emotional, I am bitchy. Poor John just can't win for losing right now.
Not really a whole lot for me to say today other than I am tired. Plain and simple. I am going to lay down and take a nap.
Love to you all. <3
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
The week after chemo
The first week of chemo wasn't so bad...slept pretty much every day. About day four I was up for a few hours, slept a few hours and so on. This continued through days four through six. After that....the pain.
Back pain. OMG who knew it could be so bad? Roughly day eight... I was in bed but hadn't slept. The pain in my back was horrendous. Anyone who has never experienced back pain should not judge those who do. It is the most pain I have ever had. I got out of bed about 6 am and laid on the couch. It was painful to sit, stand, lay...anything. I found the "most comfortable" position I could on the couch and cried. Hoping the pain would just go away...wishing it away...
John got out of bed to let the dogs out and then went back to sleep. In my state of mind, and the amount of pain I was in I felt like he was ignoring me. I laid there until 7:30 and then called Rush. Told the nurse who answered the phone what was going on and she told me she would page my Dr.'s nurse because my Dr. was on vacation.
GREAT!! Anytime you need the Dr. aren't they always on vacation? Ughhhh... But, the nurse called me back within 5 minutes. At this point I was crying so hard from the pain that I couldn't talk. She kept asking me what was wrong and telling me I need to tell her what was going on. I finally was able to stop crying enough to say, "My back hurts so bad." She said, that's all you have to say...come in right now.
I went in the bedroom where Brigette was and told her I needed her to get up and take me to the hospital. Immediately she said OK. John heard me talking to Brigette and came out and asked me what was going on? I told him (Now remember, I am not in my right frame of mind) not to worry about me...MY DAUGHTER will take care of me. She will take me to the hospital. Poor John has no idea what the hell is going on and he is trying to tell me that he will take me to Rush if I need to go. This of course starts an argument for me.
I told him that he didn't care enough about me when he got up to let the dogs out to check on me that he didn't need to worry about taking me to the hospital. Well, I had no fight in me to tell him that he was not taking me...and so he did. Brigette must have thought I was nuts. LOL.
The ride to Rush was not a pleasant one. I had no comfort level at all. I was up and down the whole way, crying.
Once we got there I couldn't make it to the "chemo room" fast enough. The nurses were waiting there for me to help. They hooked me up to an IV immediately and started pushing fluids and medications. As soon as they started to push the meds, I got sick. Throwing up. Not fun...but as soon as I was done throwing up, I fell asleep. Yay! Little did I know that when I got there my blood pressure was extremely low. Even with all the pain I was in, it was still low and they were worried. But after they did everything they needed to, it came back to almost a normal level for me and I was able to go home. With a huge laundry list of medications to take.
It took a few days for the pain to subside to normal level...but they really did help me out a ton. The rest of the time between chemo 1 and 2 was pretty uneventful.
THANK GOD
Back pain. OMG who knew it could be so bad? Roughly day eight... I was in bed but hadn't slept. The pain in my back was horrendous. Anyone who has never experienced back pain should not judge those who do. It is the most pain I have ever had. I got out of bed about 6 am and laid on the couch. It was painful to sit, stand, lay...anything. I found the "most comfortable" position I could on the couch and cried. Hoping the pain would just go away...wishing it away...
John got out of bed to let the dogs out and then went back to sleep. In my state of mind, and the amount of pain I was in I felt like he was ignoring me. I laid there until 7:30 and then called Rush. Told the nurse who answered the phone what was going on and she told me she would page my Dr.'s nurse because my Dr. was on vacation.
GREAT!! Anytime you need the Dr. aren't they always on vacation? Ughhhh... But, the nurse called me back within 5 minutes. At this point I was crying so hard from the pain that I couldn't talk. She kept asking me what was wrong and telling me I need to tell her what was going on. I finally was able to stop crying enough to say, "My back hurts so bad." She said, that's all you have to say...come in right now.
I went in the bedroom where Brigette was and told her I needed her to get up and take me to the hospital. Immediately she said OK. John heard me talking to Brigette and came out and asked me what was going on? I told him (Now remember, I am not in my right frame of mind) not to worry about me...MY DAUGHTER will take care of me. She will take me to the hospital. Poor John has no idea what the hell is going on and he is trying to tell me that he will take me to Rush if I need to go. This of course starts an argument for me.
I told him that he didn't care enough about me when he got up to let the dogs out to check on me that he didn't need to worry about taking me to the hospital. Well, I had no fight in me to tell him that he was not taking me...and so he did. Brigette must have thought I was nuts. LOL.
The ride to Rush was not a pleasant one. I had no comfort level at all. I was up and down the whole way, crying.
Once we got there I couldn't make it to the "chemo room" fast enough. The nurses were waiting there for me to help. They hooked me up to an IV immediately and started pushing fluids and medications. As soon as they started to push the meds, I got sick. Throwing up. Not fun...but as soon as I was done throwing up, I fell asleep. Yay! Little did I know that when I got there my blood pressure was extremely low. Even with all the pain I was in, it was still low and they were worried. But after they did everything they needed to, it came back to almost a normal level for me and I was able to go home. With a huge laundry list of medications to take.
It took a few days for the pain to subside to normal level...but they really did help me out a ton. The rest of the time between chemo 1 and 2 was pretty uneventful.
THANK GOD
Friday, August 6, 2010
The Chemo has begun....
So July 27 in fact was "CHEMO DAY"... What a day it was. Getting hooked up to the IV was pretty uneventful. First one didn't work, of course. So on with another poke. Second one was successful and shortly thereafter, the "healing poison" (as John so eleoquently called it) began to flow.
The nurse, Autumn, was very kind, talking to us and explaining everything as she went along. She began to tell us about the 1st drug, Adramyacin, AKA "Kool Aid" or "Red". She told us she had to manually inject the drug into my vein so she could watch it...So I of course have to ask why she needs to watch it. She tells me that the "drug" is so toxic that if it were to "leak" from my vein it would begin to kill my tissue instantly and I could face the possibility of having my arm amputated if that were to happen. WHAT???? GREAT!! And they still give it to you. Wonder what it is doing to the rest of me. The next two drugs "Taxatier and Cytoxin" are not quite as bad. The rest of the "meds" go in uneventfully and we wrap up the day.
Not too much to talk about for the first night. Had to get up early on the second day and head back to Rush for a shot of Neulasta. Helps to build the cells back up...but it also has some side effects. Like, back pain. After we got back from Rush I slept the rest of the day. All of it. And most of the third day. Then, I felt like CRAP. Not vomiting, not lethargic, just like crap. So very hard to stay awake. Not really able to function. Didn't eat for three days. Hard to stay hydrated when you are sleeping and feeling crappy, right? They say...drink, drink, drink....plenty of fluids. Hmmmm...not possible.
So by day 5 I have this back pain that had set in. At first it was a nagging, aching pain. But by day 8 it was unbearable. COMPLETELY. I woke up at 6 am in so much pain. Couldn't sit, couldn't lay, couldn't stand, comfortably. I managed to find a semi-tolerable position on the couch...and winced in pain. The pain eventually became so unbearable I started to cry. I called the hospital and asked them to page the Dr. Of course she was on vacation... ARE YOU KIDDING ME? But, the Nurse Practicioner was available and they told me they would have her call me back.
Within 5 minutes she called, but by then I was blubbering so much I could barely muster the strength to tell her what was wrong. I managed to stop crying long enough to tell her I was in so much pain and for her to tell me to come in immediately.
Well, I was in so much pain...and feeling that John didn't really care (just because I was out of my mind at the time) I started yelling at him. Telling him he did not care about me because I was laying on the couch in pain and he didn't even ask me if I was alright. Well....how could he? He was in bed asleep. But I managed to mangle the whole event to suit me at the time. I yelled and cried and told him he was not taking me to the hospital because he didn't love me. He of course told me he was taking me and was not taking no for an answer. He apologized a thousand times for not asking me what was wrong (even though he knew there was no way he could know) and reassured me he loved me and was here to take care of me.
I finally gave in and we left. It was such an uncomfortable 45 minute ride. I couldn't sit still in the truck. Everything hurt. It hurt to touch my skin. I was miserable and didn't understand how I went downhill so quickly. I was still sulking and being a mean bitch (the only word that describes it) to John and he was so lovingly accepting all I was dishing out. And then...the hospital. It couldn't have been in my sights at a better time. I needed to be there. I was so miserable...
John took my hand and rushed me to the 8th floor. Asking me if I wanted him to get me a wheelchair. Of course I snapped and said, "No, I can walk." And he just continued on, like nothing.
We get to the "Chemo room"...and what a sad, miserable, horrid room it is... and they spot me right away. The nurse has me sit in a chair and puts a tourniquet on my arm to start an IV. Just the pressure building from the tourniquet was so painful! I wanted to start crying...but I didn't...yet. She started tapping on the back of my hand looking for a vein and it took everything I had not to cry. When she finally found a vein, she poked me and I started sobbing. It hurt so bad. She told me she was sorry and I had to apologize to her. It was not her fault, she didn't do anything wrong... I was just so sensitive. She started the IV and told me she would be back with some steroids. She said as soon as the steroids were infused I would start feeling much better. She also told me they would help with the back pain, the nausea and vomiting. She returned with the syringe and started pushing the steroids in...and I started yelling, "I'm gonna puke" over and over. The poor nurses... they started running around looking for an emesis basin for me to get sick in, bumping into each other and scrambling around. After I threw up, the nurse looked at me and said, "THAT was not supposed to happen. The steroids were supposed to make you feel better." Well, they did....AFTER. LOL.
They also told me that my blood pressure was extremely low and they needed to make sure I had more normal vitals OR... they were going to have to seek "other" options. Hmmmm...no way, no hospital for me.
After they pushed the fluids and other meds I fell asleep. Yay!!! When I woke up I felt better...a bit. My blood pressure returned to a "normal" level and I didn't feel as bad. They asked me a dozen times how I was feeling and I told them I am fine. Finally they gave in and told me I could go home...but if I started to feel bad again, I would need to return to the hospital.
John loaded me in the truck and we headed back home. While on the way home I began to realize how horrible I treated him earlier that morning. I started to apologize to him...all the while choking back tears.
This whole Breast Cancer journey has taken a huge toll on me...but I can only imagine what it's doing to John. He is going through everything I am and I am not being nice. I am so sorry for the way I have treated him. It brings me to tears every time I think about what he has to go through with me on a daily basis as well as my horrible attitude. I apologize to him daily and I only hope he realizes I love him with all my heart and hopefully he can forgive me when I turn back into that "crazy lady."
The nurse, Autumn, was very kind, talking to us and explaining everything as she went along. She began to tell us about the 1st drug, Adramyacin, AKA "Kool Aid" or "Red". She told us she had to manually inject the drug into my vein so she could watch it...So I of course have to ask why she needs to watch it. She tells me that the "drug" is so toxic that if it were to "leak" from my vein it would begin to kill my tissue instantly and I could face the possibility of having my arm amputated if that were to happen. WHAT???? GREAT!! And they still give it to you. Wonder what it is doing to the rest of me. The next two drugs "Taxatier and Cytoxin" are not quite as bad. The rest of the "meds" go in uneventfully and we wrap up the day.
Not too much to talk about for the first night. Had to get up early on the second day and head back to Rush for a shot of Neulasta. Helps to build the cells back up...but it also has some side effects. Like, back pain. After we got back from Rush I slept the rest of the day. All of it. And most of the third day. Then, I felt like CRAP. Not vomiting, not lethargic, just like crap. So very hard to stay awake. Not really able to function. Didn't eat for three days. Hard to stay hydrated when you are sleeping and feeling crappy, right? They say...drink, drink, drink....plenty of fluids. Hmmmm...not possible.
So by day 5 I have this back pain that had set in. At first it was a nagging, aching pain. But by day 8 it was unbearable. COMPLETELY. I woke up at 6 am in so much pain. Couldn't sit, couldn't lay, couldn't stand, comfortably. I managed to find a semi-tolerable position on the couch...and winced in pain. The pain eventually became so unbearable I started to cry. I called the hospital and asked them to page the Dr. Of course she was on vacation... ARE YOU KIDDING ME? But, the Nurse Practicioner was available and they told me they would have her call me back.
Within 5 minutes she called, but by then I was blubbering so much I could barely muster the strength to tell her what was wrong. I managed to stop crying long enough to tell her I was in so much pain and for her to tell me to come in immediately.
Well, I was in so much pain...and feeling that John didn't really care (just because I was out of my mind at the time) I started yelling at him. Telling him he did not care about me because I was laying on the couch in pain and he didn't even ask me if I was alright. Well....how could he? He was in bed asleep. But I managed to mangle the whole event to suit me at the time. I yelled and cried and told him he was not taking me to the hospital because he didn't love me. He of course told me he was taking me and was not taking no for an answer. He apologized a thousand times for not asking me what was wrong (even though he knew there was no way he could know) and reassured me he loved me and was here to take care of me.
I finally gave in and we left. It was such an uncomfortable 45 minute ride. I couldn't sit still in the truck. Everything hurt. It hurt to touch my skin. I was miserable and didn't understand how I went downhill so quickly. I was still sulking and being a mean bitch (the only word that describes it) to John and he was so lovingly accepting all I was dishing out. And then...the hospital. It couldn't have been in my sights at a better time. I needed to be there. I was so miserable...
John took my hand and rushed me to the 8th floor. Asking me if I wanted him to get me a wheelchair. Of course I snapped and said, "No, I can walk." And he just continued on, like nothing.
We get to the "Chemo room"...and what a sad, miserable, horrid room it is... and they spot me right away. The nurse has me sit in a chair and puts a tourniquet on my arm to start an IV. Just the pressure building from the tourniquet was so painful! I wanted to start crying...but I didn't...yet. She started tapping on the back of my hand looking for a vein and it took everything I had not to cry. When she finally found a vein, she poked me and I started sobbing. It hurt so bad. She told me she was sorry and I had to apologize to her. It was not her fault, she didn't do anything wrong... I was just so sensitive. She started the IV and told me she would be back with some steroids. She said as soon as the steroids were infused I would start feeling much better. She also told me they would help with the back pain, the nausea and vomiting. She returned with the syringe and started pushing the steroids in...and I started yelling, "I'm gonna puke" over and over. The poor nurses... they started running around looking for an emesis basin for me to get sick in, bumping into each other and scrambling around. After I threw up, the nurse looked at me and said, "THAT was not supposed to happen. The steroids were supposed to make you feel better." Well, they did....AFTER. LOL.
They also told me that my blood pressure was extremely low and they needed to make sure I had more normal vitals OR... they were going to have to seek "other" options. Hmmmm...no way, no hospital for me.
After they pushed the fluids and other meds I fell asleep. Yay!!! When I woke up I felt better...a bit. My blood pressure returned to a "normal" level and I didn't feel as bad. They asked me a dozen times how I was feeling and I told them I am fine. Finally they gave in and told me I could go home...but if I started to feel bad again, I would need to return to the hospital.
John loaded me in the truck and we headed back home. While on the way home I began to realize how horrible I treated him earlier that morning. I started to apologize to him...all the while choking back tears.
This whole Breast Cancer journey has taken a huge toll on me...but I can only imagine what it's doing to John. He is going through everything I am and I am not being nice. I am so sorry for the way I have treated him. It brings me to tears every time I think about what he has to go through with me on a daily basis as well as my horrible attitude. I apologize to him daily and I only hope he realizes I love him with all my heart and hopefully he can forgive me when I turn back into that "crazy lady."
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Chemo time....
I spoke with Terri, the clinical trial research nurse on Thursday. She said that I will "tenatively" start chemo on July 27th. Not certain yet, but....if not that day...close to that day. There is some computer randomization that needs to be done and then I will know for sure.... Hopefully tomorrow or the next day.
Keeping my fingers crossed for chemo to start as soon as possible...so it can get over with as soon as possible.
Keeping my fingers crossed for chemo to start as soon as possible...so it can get over with as soon as possible.
On again...
Back to the Surgeon to get the stitches removed. They really hurt coming out! The incision was healed quite well... and scabbed and that's probably what hurt the most. Taking the stitches with the scabs.
He said everything looked great and I should see him in about a month. He also told me he is really thrown by my new last name. He said, I am so used to Flora Akers....and now I have a Flora Ryan....sheesh. :)
He is a great Dr. with a wonderful sense of humor. Sometimes it's hard to find both in your Dr., but I am fortunate.
He said everything looked great and I should see him in about a month. He also told me he is really thrown by my new last name. He said, I am so used to Flora Akers....and now I have a Flora Ryan....sheesh. :)
He is a great Dr. with a wonderful sense of humor. Sometimes it's hard to find both in your Dr., but I am fortunate.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Week of 7-08-10
Went to the surgeon's office on Tuesday...hoping to have all the stitches taken out. No go. He took out the cotton drain and damn did that hurt!! Dr said he wants to leave the stitches in for another week to let the incision heal fully. It is looking a lot better and no sign of infection. :)
Had an appointment today, Thursday, with the Oncologist and had several tests performed. First off I had to have a MUGA Scan. It's a test that checks the heart and its function. They had to put in an IV, draw a vial of blood and inject that blood into some radioactive material. The blood had to be mixed with the radioactive material until it "attached" to the red blood cells. After about 20 minutes, they called me back into the room to re-inject the radioactive blood back into my body. After that was done, they sent me to another room to have the scan. I laid on the table for nearly 20 minutes, and I think I even fell asleep. :)
After I left there I went to have my chest x-ray done, but they said I had to see my Dr. first. So off to the Oncologists office. Got there, had to have some labs done. Wouldn't you know that they poked me in the SAME vein they just used for my IV. Hurt a bit, but nothing I cannot handle. After that I saw the Dr. and the Nurse Practicioner. Asked about the possibility of going back to work full time...that is a no go :(. Both of them "checked" me...aka...felt me up. LOL. I think they like to rub all over me. Ha. Asked me if I had any questions about the chemo therapy.... I told them I think we have discussed chemo the last three times I was there and I cannot think of any other questions. They said the wound was healing nicely and told me to contact Terri, the clinical trial nurse.
Went to have the chest x-ray and I even think the technician was hitting on me. Ugh.... what a day.
Movin on and movin up....
Had an appointment today, Thursday, with the Oncologist and had several tests performed. First off I had to have a MUGA Scan. It's a test that checks the heart and its function. They had to put in an IV, draw a vial of blood and inject that blood into some radioactive material. The blood had to be mixed with the radioactive material until it "attached" to the red blood cells. After about 20 minutes, they called me back into the room to re-inject the radioactive blood back into my body. After that was done, they sent me to another room to have the scan. I laid on the table for nearly 20 minutes, and I think I even fell asleep. :)
After I left there I went to have my chest x-ray done, but they said I had to see my Dr. first. So off to the Oncologists office. Got there, had to have some labs done. Wouldn't you know that they poked me in the SAME vein they just used for my IV. Hurt a bit, but nothing I cannot handle. After that I saw the Dr. and the Nurse Practicioner. Asked about the possibility of going back to work full time...that is a no go :(. Both of them "checked" me...aka...felt me up. LOL. I think they like to rub all over me. Ha. Asked me if I had any questions about the chemo therapy.... I told them I think we have discussed chemo the last three times I was there and I cannot think of any other questions. They said the wound was healing nicely and told me to contact Terri, the clinical trial nurse.
Went to have the chest x-ray and I even think the technician was hitting on me. Ugh.... what a day.
Movin on and movin up....
Friday, July 2, 2010
Phone call....
I got a phone call from the research nurse for the clinical trial today. I have to see the surgeon on Tuesday and hoped I could see the Oncologist the same day as to not have to make so many trips. But of course...I cannot get in on that day.
So I have to go in and see the Oncologist on Thursday and have the pre-testing done before I can start chemo and the clinical trial. I need to have some blood tests, chest x-rays and a MUGA scan.
Will be about 2-3 weeks and chemo starts. I am fully expecting my hair to fall out in a few weeks but I just need to get this thing on the move.
I just thought I would drop a short update to keep ya informed. I will let you know how it goes next week.
Chat with you soon.
So I have to go in and see the Oncologist on Thursday and have the pre-testing done before I can start chemo and the clinical trial. I need to have some blood tests, chest x-rays and a MUGA scan.
Will be about 2-3 weeks and chemo starts. I am fully expecting my hair to fall out in a few weeks but I just need to get this thing on the move.
I just thought I would drop a short update to keep ya informed. I will let you know how it goes next week.
Chat with you soon.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
One week post-op #2
Well the last week has been full of ups and downs. The hole that was left after the last surgery drained a lot every day, and burned like it was on fire when air hit it. The first time they removed the packing it hurt, the second time wasn't as bad. I noticed the incision was beginning to close on its own a bit every day. The incision was not very attractive, but quite effective.
Of course I need to sleep on my left side and cannot because of the incision...so that makes me want to sleep on that side so much more. I have learned to sleep on my back and sometimes on my right side, but it's not as comfortable.
Sunday night comes and I know that tomorrow is the day I have to go back to the Dr. A little apprehensive, but it has to be done. Get some sleep and up the next morning ready to go. John and I decided to take the motorcycle to try and save a little money on gas. It was a nice ride in. Beautiful weather and very little traffic. We make it to the Dr.'s office right on time. We sat in the waiting room for a bit chatting (I was trying to keep my mind off what he was going to do).
Sitting there, looking at John, I realized how lucky I truly am. The man that I married truly loves me. He drops everything to be with me, to do for me, to help me when I need it most. At that moment, I knew out of every decision I have ever made, being his wife has been the best one. I love you John Ryan!
The nurse called us back, told me to remove my clothes from the waist up and the Dr. would be in shortly. John helped me take off my shirt and my bra and then he helped me put on my paper smock. The Dr. came in and asked me how I was feeling and told me to lay down on the table so he could look at the wound. I laid down and he said it looked good. He told me he was going to pull out the packing, "freeze" me and then stitch it up. He told John when he started that John had to wait in the waiting room. The Dr. walked out and John said, "Wonder why I have to wait out side? I want to be in here with you, if you want me." I told John I would ask the Dr., but the Dr. said he couldn't stay. :(
John left and the Dr. pulled out the packing. OUCH!! It felt like he was pulling and pulling and pulling. Then it burned. Man it felt like it was on fire. He told me he was going to "freeze" my skin with some shots of lidocaine. HOLD ON!! I have had shots of lidocaine...they BURN...they don't freeze! So he tells me, you are gonna feel a little stick OUCH!! Then again...OUCH and again....OUCH...and again....OUCH and finally OUCH. He told me, you will now just feel pressure, you shouldn't feel any pain from the stitches. OK, deep breath.........
First stitch..... OUCH!! I felt that. Dr. said, "No, you didn't feel pain, you felt pressure." NO!! I know the difference between pain and pressure. Would you feel pain or pressure if I punched you in the face? Second stitch...OUCH!! Third stitch...OUCH!! Fourth and fifth stitch...hmmmmm, not so bad. Then he places a gauze "wick" drain in the bottom of the incision to let the rest of the stuff drain out of it to finish healing. I said, well at least I only felt 3 out of the 5 stitches. He said, I guess I failed. Only got a 40%. LMAO. All in all, it was not pleasant, but I survived it.
Through all the pain and suffering on this day it was all worth it to hear the Dr. say, "The margins are CLEAR."
Clear margins...YES! I will live with the pain and suffering to have clear margins.
I go back to the Dr. in a week to have the stitches removed and get all the pre op testing done for me to begin Chemo. That will probably begin close to the end of July and last 18 weeks. I will let you all know what happens next week.
Lots of love and hugs....Flora
Of course I need to sleep on my left side and cannot because of the incision...so that makes me want to sleep on that side so much more. I have learned to sleep on my back and sometimes on my right side, but it's not as comfortable.
Sunday night comes and I know that tomorrow is the day I have to go back to the Dr. A little apprehensive, but it has to be done. Get some sleep and up the next morning ready to go. John and I decided to take the motorcycle to try and save a little money on gas. It was a nice ride in. Beautiful weather and very little traffic. We make it to the Dr.'s office right on time. We sat in the waiting room for a bit chatting (I was trying to keep my mind off what he was going to do).
Sitting there, looking at John, I realized how lucky I truly am. The man that I married truly loves me. He drops everything to be with me, to do for me, to help me when I need it most. At that moment, I knew out of every decision I have ever made, being his wife has been the best one. I love you John Ryan!
The nurse called us back, told me to remove my clothes from the waist up and the Dr. would be in shortly. John helped me take off my shirt and my bra and then he helped me put on my paper smock. The Dr. came in and asked me how I was feeling and told me to lay down on the table so he could look at the wound. I laid down and he said it looked good. He told me he was going to pull out the packing, "freeze" me and then stitch it up. He told John when he started that John had to wait in the waiting room. The Dr. walked out and John said, "Wonder why I have to wait out side? I want to be in here with you, if you want me." I told John I would ask the Dr., but the Dr. said he couldn't stay. :(
John left and the Dr. pulled out the packing. OUCH!! It felt like he was pulling and pulling and pulling. Then it burned. Man it felt like it was on fire. He told me he was going to "freeze" my skin with some shots of lidocaine. HOLD ON!! I have had shots of lidocaine...they BURN...they don't freeze! So he tells me, you are gonna feel a little stick OUCH!! Then again...OUCH and again....OUCH...and again....OUCH and finally OUCH. He told me, you will now just feel pressure, you shouldn't feel any pain from the stitches. OK, deep breath.........
First stitch..... OUCH!! I felt that. Dr. said, "No, you didn't feel pain, you felt pressure." NO!! I know the difference between pain and pressure. Would you feel pain or pressure if I punched you in the face? Second stitch...OUCH!! Third stitch...OUCH!! Fourth and fifth stitch...hmmmmm, not so bad. Then he places a gauze "wick" drain in the bottom of the incision to let the rest of the stuff drain out of it to finish healing. I said, well at least I only felt 3 out of the 5 stitches. He said, I guess I failed. Only got a 40%. LMAO. All in all, it was not pleasant, but I survived it.
Through all the pain and suffering on this day it was all worth it to hear the Dr. say, "The margins are CLEAR."
Clear margins...YES! I will live with the pain and suffering to have clear margins.
I go back to the Dr. in a week to have the stitches removed and get all the pre op testing done for me to begin Chemo. That will probably begin close to the end of July and last 18 weeks. I will let you all know what happens next week.
Lots of love and hugs....Flora
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Surgery part two
Surgery again...supposed to have just gone in to expand the cancer free margin. Is it ever that easy? NOPE....
Surgery was scheduled for 5:41 pm...yes, that's right. 5:41. Don't know how they can plan it down to the minute...but they try. So at about 1:30 John and I are out doing some last minute shopping...and my cell phone rings. It's the hospital telling me they had a cancellation and want me to come in as soon as possible. Wahhh hoooo....in earlier means out earlier. :)
We got there about 3:15 and had to wait in registration (of course). Finally out of registration and into the surgical waiting area. Sitting there for only a few minutes and two (very young) Dr.'s walk in and introduce themselves. I would be lying if I told you I remember their names because I don't. I do know one started with a W and the other with a T. They asked to see my breast (fun fun, I know) and then one of them marked my left shoulder to make sure they did surgery on the correct side. Does that mean they would hit the wrong side if it wasn't marked? LOL
Then off to the surgical waiting area. Climb up on the cot...and in comes the anesthesiologist. Mr. Freaking Personality....NOT. John was trying to make jokes with him...but nope. He was like...I am the ANESTHESIOLOGIST, blah, blah, blah....Then he pokes me with lidocaine (to make the IV hurt less when he puts it in) and that hurt like hell. Tells me he's gonna stick me with the IV now, and OUCH!! Hey, you could have waited like 5 seconds for the lidocaine to work, jerk. Now there is blood running all down the inside of my hand and he is wiping off the top of it. OK, so I just wiped it on my blanket and kept talking. LOL. (I am a brat at times I think)
Now it's time for the good stuff!! He tells me he is going to give me something to relax me, but not until the Sr. Dr. gets there. So the Sr. Anesthesiologist comes in and says, I remember you. I was your Dr. last time, I remember your tattoo. LMAO. Really? My tattoo? Not my face, or my hair (well that's different now) or my name...but my tattoo. Ha ha ha. So he asks if I have any questions, I say no and boom....off to sleep I go.
I wake up an unknown amount of time later with John, Brigette, Brittany and Julie by my side. Sorta sore, more sleepy than anything. Throat hurting like crazy and feeling like I have to vomit. I start spitting in a cup, blood, Yeah, they scratched my throat. Must have been "The Anesthesiologist", the Jr. one. Arrogant jerk.
John started telling me what happened during surgery. Ughhh....
It seems that the infection I had a week prior did not clear up. It had cleared from the outside, but was still growing on the inside. The infection had created its own "pocket" and encapsulated itself. My Dr. had to go in, remove the whole encapsulated infection pocket along with the surrounding cavity tissue as well as the tissue that needed to be removed in the first place. Much bigger deal than expected. Then John goes on to tell me the Dr. could not "close" the incision due to the infection. What? What the hell does that mean? That means that I have an open incision approximately 3-4 inches long on my left breast that is OPEN and full of packing. I now have to have the packing pulled out 2 inches and trimmed every other day until I go back to see the Dr. on Monday. Had it done yesterday...ouch, not fun. It looks terrible, but again; I am alive.
The Dr. called to explain all of the details to me. He said, "You are a complicated one." I sorta chuckled and told him, "I believe I told you in the beginning, If it can happen to me...it will." He laughed and said, "Yeah, I believe you. But we are going to make you better, In time. It will just take some time."
Time...I have time. I have my family, my friends, my pets, my job, my home, but most of all right now... I have time. That means I am here to spend another day cherishing all the things that mean the most to me. I will take all the time I can get even if it's time to heal.
<3 Flora
Surgery was scheduled for 5:41 pm...yes, that's right. 5:41. Don't know how they can plan it down to the minute...but they try. So at about 1:30 John and I are out doing some last minute shopping...and my cell phone rings. It's the hospital telling me they had a cancellation and want me to come in as soon as possible. Wahhh hoooo....in earlier means out earlier. :)
We got there about 3:15 and had to wait in registration (of course). Finally out of registration and into the surgical waiting area. Sitting there for only a few minutes and two (very young) Dr.'s walk in and introduce themselves. I would be lying if I told you I remember their names because I don't. I do know one started with a W and the other with a T. They asked to see my breast (fun fun, I know) and then one of them marked my left shoulder to make sure they did surgery on the correct side. Does that mean they would hit the wrong side if it wasn't marked? LOL
Then off to the surgical waiting area. Climb up on the cot...and in comes the anesthesiologist. Mr. Freaking Personality....NOT. John was trying to make jokes with him...but nope. He was like...I am the ANESTHESIOLOGIST, blah, blah, blah....Then he pokes me with lidocaine (to make the IV hurt less when he puts it in) and that hurt like hell. Tells me he's gonna stick me with the IV now, and OUCH!! Hey, you could have waited like 5 seconds for the lidocaine to work, jerk. Now there is blood running all down the inside of my hand and he is wiping off the top of it. OK, so I just wiped it on my blanket and kept talking. LOL. (I am a brat at times I think)
Now it's time for the good stuff!! He tells me he is going to give me something to relax me, but not until the Sr. Dr. gets there. So the Sr. Anesthesiologist comes in and says, I remember you. I was your Dr. last time, I remember your tattoo. LMAO. Really? My tattoo? Not my face, or my hair (well that's different now) or my name...but my tattoo. Ha ha ha. So he asks if I have any questions, I say no and boom....off to sleep I go.
I wake up an unknown amount of time later with John, Brigette, Brittany and Julie by my side. Sorta sore, more sleepy than anything. Throat hurting like crazy and feeling like I have to vomit. I start spitting in a cup, blood, Yeah, they scratched my throat. Must have been "The Anesthesiologist", the Jr. one. Arrogant jerk.
John started telling me what happened during surgery. Ughhh....
It seems that the infection I had a week prior did not clear up. It had cleared from the outside, but was still growing on the inside. The infection had created its own "pocket" and encapsulated itself. My Dr. had to go in, remove the whole encapsulated infection pocket along with the surrounding cavity tissue as well as the tissue that needed to be removed in the first place. Much bigger deal than expected. Then John goes on to tell me the Dr. could not "close" the incision due to the infection. What? What the hell does that mean? That means that I have an open incision approximately 3-4 inches long on my left breast that is OPEN and full of packing. I now have to have the packing pulled out 2 inches and trimmed every other day until I go back to see the Dr. on Monday. Had it done yesterday...ouch, not fun. It looks terrible, but again; I am alive.
The Dr. called to explain all of the details to me. He said, "You are a complicated one." I sorta chuckled and told him, "I believe I told you in the beginning, If it can happen to me...it will." He laughed and said, "Yeah, I believe you. But we are going to make you better, In time. It will just take some time."
Time...I have time. I have my family, my friends, my pets, my job, my home, but most of all right now... I have time. That means I am here to spend another day cherishing all the things that mean the most to me. I will take all the time I can get even if it's time to heal.
<3 Flora
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Update
Well, I was scheduled for surgery on Monday, June 14th. On Saturday, June 12th I woke up and jumped in the shower. As I was showering my incision seemed more tender than normal. I looked in the mirror and saw a yellow "pocket." I squeezed it and it started to ooze. GREAT!! An infection...3 weeks after surgery? Seriously?
Out of the shower and on the phone with the surgeon. Of course he immediately cancelled surgery and called in a prescription for some antibiotics. He told me to come see him early Monday morning so he could see what was going on.
Monday morning John and I were greeted by my Dr. He's such a pleasant man, always smiling and greets us with enthusiam. He said, Hello again Gang...lol. Had me lay on my right side on the table so he could examine the "girls" again. I told him there were a couple of stitches that never dissolved and maybe that was the reason the site became infected. He looked everything over and said it looked very good and then pulled out the two remaining stitches. I thought they were going to hurt...but it wasn't bad.
Surgery rescheduled for June 21...the day before my birthday. So hopefully it will be the first day of a new life. My re-birth. I just want to get all this "C" stuff behind me and move on. I know I will "forever" be a cancer patient...I just want to get through the chemotherapy and radiation. So this next surgery (hopefully the last) and then chemo about 4 weeks later.
I agreed to take part in a clinical study. I am not guaranteed to receive the trial medication, but even if I don't receive it my outcome will hopefully help the next person to be affected by Cancer.
I am actually feeling pretty well at the moment and have no complaints.
Just wanted to update you all and let you know what has been happening.
Out of the shower and on the phone with the surgeon. Of course he immediately cancelled surgery and called in a prescription for some antibiotics. He told me to come see him early Monday morning so he could see what was going on.
Monday morning John and I were greeted by my Dr. He's such a pleasant man, always smiling and greets us with enthusiam. He said, Hello again Gang...lol. Had me lay on my right side on the table so he could examine the "girls" again. I told him there were a couple of stitches that never dissolved and maybe that was the reason the site became infected. He looked everything over and said it looked very good and then pulled out the two remaining stitches. I thought they were going to hurt...but it wasn't bad.
Surgery rescheduled for June 21...the day before my birthday. So hopefully it will be the first day of a new life. My re-birth. I just want to get all this "C" stuff behind me and move on. I know I will "forever" be a cancer patient...I just want to get through the chemotherapy and radiation. So this next surgery (hopefully the last) and then chemo about 4 weeks later.
I agreed to take part in a clinical study. I am not guaranteed to receive the trial medication, but even if I don't receive it my outcome will hopefully help the next person to be affected by Cancer.
I am actually feeling pretty well at the moment and have no complaints.
Just wanted to update you all and let you know what has been happening.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Date with the Surgeon and the Oncologist
We met with the surgeon first...and he and his "resident"...who by the way was about 12 years old, came in and shook our hands. Dr. introduced the "kid" as Dr...I don't remember and said he's a resident and was going to observe the office visit today.
Who cares. A 12 year old boy is going to see my naked boobies and look at the scars. What ever. (LOL)
The Dr. asked me how I was feeling and how the sites were feeling. I told him they felt fine. Very little tenderness left. He examined me and little "Mr. Doogie Howser" (which is what I dubbed him when he walked in) was doing his best to look over the Dr.'s shoulder to see what was going on. Dr. said that everything looked very nice and then asked me who I had talked to or seen since my last visit with him.
I said, "No one yet. I have an appointment at the Oncologist's office after we leave here." He said, "OK, then I will need to know what she says so we can determine if you are going to have another surgery or not."
I asked him if he could tell me what the Stage and Grade of the cancer was. He looked at me, smiled and said...talk to the Oncologist and she will give you all that information. Come and see me when you are done and let me know what she says.
Grrrrrrr.... :) OK.
Sitting in the PACKED waiting area waiting to be called into the Oncologist office. There are several Dr.'s within that area and there wasn't even a place to sit in the waiting room for a while.
After about 20 minutes of waiting they called my name and John and I went into the room. The Nurse Practicioner, Diane, came in first. She is a very respectful woman and she is full of knowledge. She sat down and asked me how I was doing. We had a few moments of small talk and then she asked if we were ready to hear the news. We said yes and she began.
She said, "Well, you will have to have CHEMO and it's the NASTY STUFF. You WILL LOSE YOUR HAIR." I think at that point my heart stopped for a second. It wasn't that I didn't already know that...and I thought I was totally prepared to hear her say that...BUT! BUT! BUT! Now, it's confirmed. I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. I was blinking a lot and trying not to cry. As she was still talking it seemed as if she was in the back ground somewhere because all I could hear was myself saying, "Why are you going to cry you big baby. You already knew that you were going to lose your hair if they said you have to have Chemo."
So as I sat there blinking my eyes, the tears never fell. Wheeewww. I cleared my mind and started listening to her again. She was still talking about the Chemotherapy and what drugs are used. She was telling me some of the side affects such as the beds of my fingernails and toes may turn purple...OK. Then she said, "Your tongue may also change colors." WHAT?!?!? My tongue? What color? She chuckled and said, "Purple."
I was thinking...."OMG!!! I am going to be this big ugly lady with a bald head and purple tongue, fingers and toes." What a circus show I am going to be.
As she was talking I asked her if she could tell me about the Stage and the Grade of the cancer. She said, "Well, you are Stage 2. What that means is...your tumor was bigger than 1 cm. If it were less than 1 cm you would be stage 1. You did not have any lymphnode involvement which means it hasn't spread. Stage 3 and 4 would mean that the cancer had spread to other areas of the body."
So...needless to say at this point there was a smile on my face. :) I started to ask about the Grade again and the Dr. walked in. She and Diane talked about what had already been talked about and then the Dr. started to tell me about the different Grades of cancer. She said, "Your cancer is Grade 3." I said, "Oh great! The worst Grade I could have!!!" She said, well although it is the most aggressive Grade, there are things we can do and we will talk about them."
So she started to go over my chart. As she was looking at it, I said, "Dr. wants to know what you think about the margins. He said he feels they will need to be expanded." She looked at them for a moment and said, "Yes, I agree. You will need to have another surgery to expand the margins before we can start your treatment. The tissue they took came back clean, but the clear margin was very small and I am not comfortable with it." (Uhhhh another surgery...)
I said, "Another surgery and Grade 3 cancer...just my luck." She said, "Let me explain something to you. If you left here today without any further treatment (surgery, chemo and radiation), your chance of recurrence is about 40%. If you do everything I tell you, your chance of recurrence drops to about 10%. She said the Chemotherapy is 6 cycles each 3 weeks apart (for a total of 18 weeks) and when the Chemo is over we will do Radiation.
Soooooo....let's see......40% with hair.........10% without.........WHO NEEDS HAIR? Not me! Let's do this!!!
We talked for about 10 more minutes about the treatment and a clinical trial that I may be a part of and then we left. John and I were both very happy at least knowing what the next step is.
We went back to the surgeon's office and talked to his nurse. About 10 minutes later she came back into the room and said, "Your next surgery is scheduled for June 14th." Wow!! I already have a surgery date too! Wooo hooo! Now that's what I call service.
So, everyone. Right now, you know what we know. Surgery will be June 14th with Chemotherapy to follow about 2-3 weeks later. No one is ever prepared for this...but I believe I am as mentally prepared as I can be. I also know that when my hair starts to fall out...OFF IT COMES! The most important thing we have to do is REMAIN IN CONTROL!
One last thing. I know several posts ago I said I had Stage 3 Cancer. I put that in there and left it for a reason. When I got "The Call" telling me I had cancer, that is exactly what that nurse told me. She said it was Stage 3. So I sat here...all this time, thinking that before long it would be Stage 4 and near the end of the game. I then did some research and learned the differences in the Stages of Cancer and when I found out there was no cancer in the lymphnodes, I was almost certain I was Stage 2. I never corrected it...and I never will. We as "normal people" need to understand that just because 1 person tells you something, doesn't mean it is so. She was wrong. And come to find out, a lot of things prior to my fiding my way to Rush have been wrong. Never take one person's word for gospel...and if it doesn't feel right, chances are it's not.
We all have the right to know what is happening with ourselves...never be too afraid to ask. If you don't like the answer...never be too afraid to get a second opinion.
Until we meet again my friends............. <3
Who cares. A 12 year old boy is going to see my naked boobies and look at the scars. What ever. (LOL)
The Dr. asked me how I was feeling and how the sites were feeling. I told him they felt fine. Very little tenderness left. He examined me and little "Mr. Doogie Howser" (which is what I dubbed him when he walked in) was doing his best to look over the Dr.'s shoulder to see what was going on. Dr. said that everything looked very nice and then asked me who I had talked to or seen since my last visit with him.
I said, "No one yet. I have an appointment at the Oncologist's office after we leave here." He said, "OK, then I will need to know what she says so we can determine if you are going to have another surgery or not."
I asked him if he could tell me what the Stage and Grade of the cancer was. He looked at me, smiled and said...talk to the Oncologist and she will give you all that information. Come and see me when you are done and let me know what she says.
Grrrrrrr.... :) OK.
Sitting in the PACKED waiting area waiting to be called into the Oncologist office. There are several Dr.'s within that area and there wasn't even a place to sit in the waiting room for a while.
After about 20 minutes of waiting they called my name and John and I went into the room. The Nurse Practicioner, Diane, came in first. She is a very respectful woman and she is full of knowledge. She sat down and asked me how I was doing. We had a few moments of small talk and then she asked if we were ready to hear the news. We said yes and she began.
She said, "Well, you will have to have CHEMO and it's the NASTY STUFF. You WILL LOSE YOUR HAIR." I think at that point my heart stopped for a second. It wasn't that I didn't already know that...and I thought I was totally prepared to hear her say that...BUT! BUT! BUT! Now, it's confirmed. I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. I was blinking a lot and trying not to cry. As she was still talking it seemed as if she was in the back ground somewhere because all I could hear was myself saying, "Why are you going to cry you big baby. You already knew that you were going to lose your hair if they said you have to have Chemo."
So as I sat there blinking my eyes, the tears never fell. Wheeewww. I cleared my mind and started listening to her again. She was still talking about the Chemotherapy and what drugs are used. She was telling me some of the side affects such as the beds of my fingernails and toes may turn purple...OK. Then she said, "Your tongue may also change colors." WHAT?!?!? My tongue? What color? She chuckled and said, "Purple."
I was thinking...."OMG!!! I am going to be this big ugly lady with a bald head and purple tongue, fingers and toes." What a circus show I am going to be.
As she was talking I asked her if she could tell me about the Stage and the Grade of the cancer. She said, "Well, you are Stage 2. What that means is...your tumor was bigger than 1 cm. If it were less than 1 cm you would be stage 1. You did not have any lymphnode involvement which means it hasn't spread. Stage 3 and 4 would mean that the cancer had spread to other areas of the body."
So...needless to say at this point there was a smile on my face. :) I started to ask about the Grade again and the Dr. walked in. She and Diane talked about what had already been talked about and then the Dr. started to tell me about the different Grades of cancer. She said, "Your cancer is Grade 3." I said, "Oh great! The worst Grade I could have!!!" She said, well although it is the most aggressive Grade, there are things we can do and we will talk about them."
So she started to go over my chart. As she was looking at it, I said, "Dr. wants to know what you think about the margins. He said he feels they will need to be expanded." She looked at them for a moment and said, "Yes, I agree. You will need to have another surgery to expand the margins before we can start your treatment. The tissue they took came back clean, but the clear margin was very small and I am not comfortable with it." (Uhhhh another surgery...)
I said, "Another surgery and Grade 3 cancer...just my luck." She said, "Let me explain something to you. If you left here today without any further treatment (surgery, chemo and radiation), your chance of recurrence is about 40%. If you do everything I tell you, your chance of recurrence drops to about 10%. She said the Chemotherapy is 6 cycles each 3 weeks apart (for a total of 18 weeks) and when the Chemo is over we will do Radiation.
Soooooo....let's see......40% with hair.........10% without.........WHO NEEDS HAIR? Not me! Let's do this!!!
We talked for about 10 more minutes about the treatment and a clinical trial that I may be a part of and then we left. John and I were both very happy at least knowing what the next step is.
We went back to the surgeon's office and talked to his nurse. About 10 minutes later she came back into the room and said, "Your next surgery is scheduled for June 14th." Wow!! I already have a surgery date too! Wooo hooo! Now that's what I call service.
So, everyone. Right now, you know what we know. Surgery will be June 14th with Chemotherapy to follow about 2-3 weeks later. No one is ever prepared for this...but I believe I am as mentally prepared as I can be. I also know that when my hair starts to fall out...OFF IT COMES! The most important thing we have to do is REMAIN IN CONTROL!
One last thing. I know several posts ago I said I had Stage 3 Cancer. I put that in there and left it for a reason. When I got "The Call" telling me I had cancer, that is exactly what that nurse told me. She said it was Stage 3. So I sat here...all this time, thinking that before long it would be Stage 4 and near the end of the game. I then did some research and learned the differences in the Stages of Cancer and when I found out there was no cancer in the lymphnodes, I was almost certain I was Stage 2. I never corrected it...and I never will. We as "normal people" need to understand that just because 1 person tells you something, doesn't mean it is so. She was wrong. And come to find out, a lot of things prior to my fiding my way to Rush have been wrong. Never take one person's word for gospel...and if it doesn't feel right, chances are it's not.
We all have the right to know what is happening with ourselves...never be too afraid to ask. If you don't like the answer...never be too afraid to get a second opinion.
Until we meet again my friends............. <3
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Update
The past two weeks have been up and down. Some days have been terrific...feeling great and moving about. Other days, not so terrific...feeling not so great, sick to my stomach and weak, sore and tired.
Today...I feel wonderful. It's so amazing how I can wake up...and not feel that "LUMP"!! What a different feeling. How horrible it was to know when I woke up that there was cancer inside my body, doing what it wanted and I had no control. So scared to think about how far it had travelled the night before, or what it may have infected.
Great news from the Dr. at my follow up appointment last Monday. NO CANCER IN THE LYMPHNODE!! How amazing. I am blessed...but that does not mean it's over. Not by a long shot.
I have my next two appointments on Tuesday. First with the surgeon, then the oncologist. I will know what my course of treatment will be then. Probably Chemotherapy and Radiation both.
I have come to terms (I think) with the thought of losing my hair. I mean...hair vs life...I choose LIFE. My hair will grow back. So many people have said, just get a wig, wear a bandana or a scarf. I have decided, if I am going to lose my hair, that will be my BADGE OF COURAGE. The only thing I plan on wearing at times is a ball cap.
I feel that all women should know that having cancer is NOT our choice....but what we do after the diagnosis IS. We can lie down and let it consume us, or we can stand up and fight back. I believe a part of that is being who you are...truly. And for me, being who I am is not covering up. I did not choose to have this, I did not have the option of saying NO...but I do have the choice of remaining true to myself.
I will let you all know what both Dr.'s say on Tuesday. I will be a little apprehensive when I get there I am sure...but I am ready. So bring on the rest of the treatment process, so I can get on with the healing!
Today...I feel wonderful. It's so amazing how I can wake up...and not feel that "LUMP"!! What a different feeling. How horrible it was to know when I woke up that there was cancer inside my body, doing what it wanted and I had no control. So scared to think about how far it had travelled the night before, or what it may have infected.
Great news from the Dr. at my follow up appointment last Monday. NO CANCER IN THE LYMPHNODE!! How amazing. I am blessed...but that does not mean it's over. Not by a long shot.
I have my next two appointments on Tuesday. First with the surgeon, then the oncologist. I will know what my course of treatment will be then. Probably Chemotherapy and Radiation both.
I have come to terms (I think) with the thought of losing my hair. I mean...hair vs life...I choose LIFE. My hair will grow back. So many people have said, just get a wig, wear a bandana or a scarf. I have decided, if I am going to lose my hair, that will be my BADGE OF COURAGE. The only thing I plan on wearing at times is a ball cap.
I feel that all women should know that having cancer is NOT our choice....but what we do after the diagnosis IS. We can lie down and let it consume us, or we can stand up and fight back. I believe a part of that is being who you are...truly. And for me, being who I am is not covering up. I did not choose to have this, I did not have the option of saying NO...but I do have the choice of remaining true to myself.
I will let you all know what both Dr.'s say on Tuesday. I will be a little apprehensive when I get there I am sure...but I am ready. So bring on the rest of the treatment process, so I can get on with the healing!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Post-op appointment with Surgeon
Today we went to the surgeon's office for the one week post-op appointment. When we got there I was not nervous. Actually a bit excited. I mean...they did remove the tumor. I hoped to hear that meant I was cancer free and could move on to the next step.
We sat in the waiting room for over an hour. John said, "I don't think we have ever waited this long before." I was thinking...God, that's all we have done is wait. An hour isn't going to make that much of a difference.
Finally the nurse called my name and we went into the room. John sat in the chair and I sat on the table. The nurse told me she had to get a gown for me...and then just stood there. I looked at her for a minute and then said, "Oh, do I need to move so you can get it?" LMAO. Ok, I never said I was the brightest bulb in the box. Ha. So, I moved out of her way as she laughed at me for being a dork... She got the gown and handed it to me and told me the Dr. would be in shortly to discuss my pathology.
I sat back down on the table and then it hit me. I told John I was pretty nervous. I mean...this was "the time". The time he was going to tell me the news. Good or bad we were going to hear it. John said, "The nurse said it wasn't bad. It will be good news. NO Cancer...I can feel it." I told him I wasn't sure, but I was ready to hear it either way.
The Dr. walked in with a smile on his face. Is he really smiling? Is he really getting ready to tell me "good news"? He said his hello's and then said he had the results from the pathology for the lymphnode. I said...well, is it good? Smiling he said, "There was NO CANCER in the Sentinel Node." I repeated what he said...No Cancer? He said, "That's right...No Cancer!"
If I could have done a back flip at that point I would have. I looked over at John and he was smiling from ear to ear...literally!
Then...(always a then) the Dr. said, "You are a difficult case." LOL, me? difficult? Flora and difficult in the same sentence? What more can I say? OK, back to the story... He said, "Well, the non-cancerous margins are very small. We took the tumor and surrounding tissue and thought it was going to be enough...but we may need to do another surgery and take more of the surrounding tissue. I need to talk to the oncologist and the radiation physician and get their opinions before we make that determination." I said, "Ok, and when will we know this?" (What do you think the answer is...?) Next week.
He asked me how I was feeling and how did I think the healing process was going. I told him that the incision on my breast was alright but the one near my armpit was so extremely sore. He checked the site and told me that the site looks good and there is no redness. I said I didn't think it was infected. Then he said oh...I know. I had to "dig and dig" to find the sentinel node, that's probably why it's so sore. Well thank you for that. :)
Alright, so in a nutshell... No cancer in the lymphnode, maybe another surgery in the near future and then I will find out next Tuesday about chemo and or radiation.
All in all today was a good good day. I am happy to have received such good news and am thankful to have such a wonderful friend and family support system.
We will now wait until the next step.
We sat in the waiting room for over an hour. John said, "I don't think we have ever waited this long before." I was thinking...God, that's all we have done is wait. An hour isn't going to make that much of a difference.
Finally the nurse called my name and we went into the room. John sat in the chair and I sat on the table. The nurse told me she had to get a gown for me...and then just stood there. I looked at her for a minute and then said, "Oh, do I need to move so you can get it?" LMAO. Ok, I never said I was the brightest bulb in the box. Ha. So, I moved out of her way as she laughed at me for being a dork... She got the gown and handed it to me and told me the Dr. would be in shortly to discuss my pathology.
I sat back down on the table and then it hit me. I told John I was pretty nervous. I mean...this was "the time". The time he was going to tell me the news. Good or bad we were going to hear it. John said, "The nurse said it wasn't bad. It will be good news. NO Cancer...I can feel it." I told him I wasn't sure, but I was ready to hear it either way.
The Dr. walked in with a smile on his face. Is he really smiling? Is he really getting ready to tell me "good news"? He said his hello's and then said he had the results from the pathology for the lymphnode. I said...well, is it good? Smiling he said, "There was NO CANCER in the Sentinel Node." I repeated what he said...No Cancer? He said, "That's right...No Cancer!"
If I could have done a back flip at that point I would have. I looked over at John and he was smiling from ear to ear...literally!
Then...(always a then) the Dr. said, "You are a difficult case." LOL, me? difficult? Flora and difficult in the same sentence? What more can I say? OK, back to the story... He said, "Well, the non-cancerous margins are very small. We took the tumor and surrounding tissue and thought it was going to be enough...but we may need to do another surgery and take more of the surrounding tissue. I need to talk to the oncologist and the radiation physician and get their opinions before we make that determination." I said, "Ok, and when will we know this?" (What do you think the answer is...?) Next week.
He asked me how I was feeling and how did I think the healing process was going. I told him that the incision on my breast was alright but the one near my armpit was so extremely sore. He checked the site and told me that the site looks good and there is no redness. I said I didn't think it was infected. Then he said oh...I know. I had to "dig and dig" to find the sentinel node, that's probably why it's so sore. Well thank you for that. :)
Alright, so in a nutshell... No cancer in the lymphnode, maybe another surgery in the near future and then I will find out next Tuesday about chemo and or radiation.
All in all today was a good good day. I am happy to have received such good news and am thankful to have such a wonderful friend and family support system.
We will now wait until the next step.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Days 3-6 Post-Op
With each day I felt better but more sore; if that makes sense. The Dr. made two incisions. One on the left breast to removed the cancer and one near the left armpit to remove the sentinel node. The muscle in the area near the armpit had to be dissected for the Dr. to be able to get in. That area is SORE. I think it is the healing process. The muscle isn't being used, so when I move it or stretch it, it makes it hurt.
I am getting better with each passing day...and tomorrow is my first Dr. appointment since surgery. What will tomorrow bring? We shall see...
I am getting better with each passing day...and tomorrow is my first Dr. appointment since surgery. What will tomorrow bring? We shall see...
2nd Day Post-Op
Ughhh! I feel like CRAP! I am so nauseated and weak! What is this all about? I felt so incredible yesterday! I guess the phrase "what a difference a day makes" is true.
I thought maybe I needed to get out and get some fresh air. So John and I loaded up in the car and went out. He took me to Cappo's for lunch, but I wasn't able to eat much. I just want to go home and go back to bed.
So that's what I did. Back to bed and back to sleep. Maybe I can sleep off this crappy feeling. I woke up a little while later, feeling slightly better, but not much. I tried to think what could be making me feel bad. Pain meds. I know that has to be it. They are not my friend for long. I made the decision to stop taking them. Laid back down for a while longer, and asked John for some soup.
He made me some soup and I managed to eat a cup. And started to feel better. Yay. I am all about feeling better. So the rest of the day we just sat around and relaxed and enjoyed each other's company. Let's see what tomorrow brings.
I thought maybe I needed to get out and get some fresh air. So John and I loaded up in the car and went out. He took me to Cappo's for lunch, but I wasn't able to eat much. I just want to go home and go back to bed.
So that's what I did. Back to bed and back to sleep. Maybe I can sleep off this crappy feeling. I woke up a little while later, feeling slightly better, but not much. I tried to think what could be making me feel bad. Pain meds. I know that has to be it. They are not my friend for long. I made the decision to stop taking them. Laid back down for a while longer, and asked John for some soup.
He made me some soup and I managed to eat a cup. And started to feel better. Yay. I am all about feeling better. So the rest of the day we just sat around and relaxed and enjoyed each other's company. Let's see what tomorrow brings.
1 Day Post-Op
Can I really feel this good after surgery? I feel wonderful. Don't get me wrong...I am sore, but hell I feel good. Pain is minimal and I feel well rested.
Can you imagine the first thing I did? Yep! Felt for the lump. IT'S GONE! I think it is anyway. There is so much bandaging, but it feels like it is gone.
We spent the day at home, resting and relxing. My good friend Judy came over and brought us dinner. So so so much food. What a great friend. She said she wanted to make sure we didn't need anything and didn't want us to do anything. She wanted John to focus on taking care of me, not cooking. And she brought me my favorite! Mexican! Yummy! :) Thank you Judy! <3
We ate dinner and it was so delicious!
I wouldn't mind surgery if I always felt this good when it was over....I can't wait to see how I feel tomorrow.
Can you imagine the first thing I did? Yep! Felt for the lump. IT'S GONE! I think it is anyway. There is so much bandaging, but it feels like it is gone.
We spent the day at home, resting and relxing. My good friend Judy came over and brought us dinner. So so so much food. What a great friend. She said she wanted to make sure we didn't need anything and didn't want us to do anything. She wanted John to focus on taking care of me, not cooking. And she brought me my favorite! Mexican! Yummy! :) Thank you Judy! <3
We ate dinner and it was so delicious!
I wouldn't mind surgery if I always felt this good when it was over....I can't wait to see how I feel tomorrow.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Surgery Day!!
We get up and get moving rather early. Dave shows up and we are ready and headed out the door by 4:50 am. We needed to be at the hospital by 5:45...and me (being the backseat driver that I am) was telling John, "It's 5:38...we are not there yet!!)
Well, John was right on time...as usual (Love him for that) and we made it to the correct department to sign in.
NOW THE FUN BEGINS: (SARCASM)
First stop- Radiology for a "Needle Localization"- Definition: The insertion of a needle into the tumor followed by a wire with a small hook on the end. The wire is inserted into the tumor and completely through to mark the exact spot of the tumor. Once the wire is inserted the needle is removed. The wire can only be removed now by surgery due to the "hook". Did I mention..........NO NUMBING MEDICATION? Not fun. :( But I am ready for the next step.
Second stop- Nucelar Medicine for a "Sentinel Node Biopsy"- Definition: OUCH! The Dr. says, "I need to numb the area around the nipple in four different locations and then we will inject a radioactive material into you and trace it." Well, doesn't that sound fun? Let's go... First shot of numbing medication~OUCH....second shot~OUCH....third shot~OUCH....fourth shot~OUCH! Each time the Dr. apologized with each shot...and I knew he wasn't purposely hurting me...but it didn't make it feel better. He said, "OK...now you shouldn't feel anything that I am about to do. Can you feel that?" Me: "No." Him: "Can you feel that?" Me: "No." Him: "Can you feel that?" Me: "No...OHHHHHHHHHH OUCH..... YES!!!!!!" Him: "Sorry! Is it pressure? or pain?" Me: "PAIN. Didn't you hear me scream? Didn't you see my knees hit my chest? Pain." Him: "Sorry...can you feel this one?" Me: "No." After all of that the Dr. left the room and the tech took pictures for about 20 minutes and then told me the procedure was done and I would be going back to the surgery waiting area soon.
Back in the waiting area to see all my beautiful kids, John, my sister Tammy and our good friend Dave waiting for me. We all sat ther and laughed and chatted while we waited for transport to take us to the surgery waiting area. People in the room thought we were crazy...or at least thought Dave was. He made us laugh...and that is just what we needed.
Finally, transport came...and it's now after 11 am. Ever realize how hungry you are when you are told you CAN'T eat? Well I was starving. We made it back to the Ambulatory Surgery area and John and I went in while everyone else went to the family waiting area. The nurse put us in a room about the size of a small walk in closet. Really? She handed me this "paper-type" gown and told me to put that on...along with this "tin-foil" looking hat and those oh-so-beautiful hospital socks. I must have looked WONDERFUL. John helped me change my gown, he put my socks on me and then my hat. After he stopped laughing at me he opened the door to let the nurse know we were done. She came back in and said, "Alright, come with me and I will take you to your waiting room." Ohhh, we don't have to stay in the closet... :)
We walk into the area where we will be until surgery and the nurse at the desk asked my name. I told her and she said, "Looks like your surgery has been pushed back a little. You look to be scheduled for 3:44." WHAT? It's only 11:30. I said, "Well, I will have you know that I am going to starve to death by then." Before she could say another word, a male nurse came in with a paper in his hand and said, "Don't tell her that yet. I have her on here and it looks like she is up next. So probably around 1:00." Good...I like 1 better than almost 4. So she puts us in a room and I told John to take the kids and go eat. He left and Tammy, Brigette and Brittany came into the room. They sat with me until the guys were done eating. The guys came back and Dave came to tell them they could go get some food now. Dave sat down and we chatted for a few minutes until RJ and Josh walked into the room. They said John was finishing up his lunch and would be there soon.
John came in and Dave and the boys went back out to the family waiting area. John and I sat there for a little while longer and at about 12:20 they came in and said they were ready to take me up to the surgery holding area. YAY!! It's finally here. After all the waiting and worrying...it's finally here! We walked up to the surgery area and they put me on a gurney. The paper-type gown they put me in is actually a warming gown. It hooks up to a hose that blows warm air into the gown and surrounds you with heat. I AM IN HEAVEN!! The anesthesiologist came in and was talking with us. She said that after she asked me some questions she would give me a shot to "relax" me and then they would take me to the OR as soon as they were ready. About 10 minutes later she told me she was going to give me the relaxation shot...and I drifted off to sleep.
John said he had to keep checking on me to make sure I was breathing. He said I was so quiet and still that he couldn't see my chest rise and fall. Of course he had to make fun of me and tell me that I was doing some weird thing with my mouth...but I don't believe him. :)
I remember bits and pieces of things up to the point of being wheeled into the OR and then nothing until the nurse said, "Flora, we need to get you sitting up in the recliner so you can go home." I climbed off the gurney and sat in the recliner. Things are still fuzzy at this point and I am feeling a bit nauseated...but I know I want to go home. I want to sleep. Not really feeling much pain right now...must be some REALLY GOOD DRUGS.
John went to the parking garage to get the truck while Dave waited with me. Tammy took the kids home for me. John said they came in to tell me good bye but I don't remember. Like I said REALLY GOOD DRUGS. John pulled up out front, I climed into the back seat of the truck and don't really remember much until they told me we were home. Went into the house, straight to the bedroom and knocked back out.
Well, John was right on time...as usual (Love him for that) and we made it to the correct department to sign in.
NOW THE FUN BEGINS: (SARCASM)
First stop- Radiology for a "Needle Localization"- Definition: The insertion of a needle into the tumor followed by a wire with a small hook on the end. The wire is inserted into the tumor and completely through to mark the exact spot of the tumor. Once the wire is inserted the needle is removed. The wire can only be removed now by surgery due to the "hook". Did I mention..........NO NUMBING MEDICATION? Not fun. :( But I am ready for the next step.
Second stop- Nucelar Medicine for a "Sentinel Node Biopsy"- Definition: OUCH! The Dr. says, "I need to numb the area around the nipple in four different locations and then we will inject a radioactive material into you and trace it." Well, doesn't that sound fun? Let's go... First shot of numbing medication~OUCH....second shot~OUCH....third shot~OUCH....fourth shot~OUCH! Each time the Dr. apologized with each shot...and I knew he wasn't purposely hurting me...but it didn't make it feel better. He said, "OK...now you shouldn't feel anything that I am about to do. Can you feel that?" Me: "No." Him: "Can you feel that?" Me: "No." Him: "Can you feel that?" Me: "No...OHHHHHHHHHH OUCH..... YES!!!!!!" Him: "Sorry! Is it pressure? or pain?" Me: "PAIN. Didn't you hear me scream? Didn't you see my knees hit my chest? Pain." Him: "Sorry...can you feel this one?" Me: "No." After all of that the Dr. left the room and the tech took pictures for about 20 minutes and then told me the procedure was done and I would be going back to the surgery waiting area soon.
Back in the waiting area to see all my beautiful kids, John, my sister Tammy and our good friend Dave waiting for me. We all sat ther and laughed and chatted while we waited for transport to take us to the surgery waiting area. People in the room thought we were crazy...or at least thought Dave was. He made us laugh...and that is just what we needed.
Finally, transport came...and it's now after 11 am. Ever realize how hungry you are when you are told you CAN'T eat? Well I was starving. We made it back to the Ambulatory Surgery area and John and I went in while everyone else went to the family waiting area. The nurse put us in a room about the size of a small walk in closet. Really? She handed me this "paper-type" gown and told me to put that on...along with this "tin-foil" looking hat and those oh-so-beautiful hospital socks. I must have looked WONDERFUL. John helped me change my gown, he put my socks on me and then my hat. After he stopped laughing at me he opened the door to let the nurse know we were done. She came back in and said, "Alright, come with me and I will take you to your waiting room." Ohhh, we don't have to stay in the closet... :)
We walk into the area where we will be until surgery and the nurse at the desk asked my name. I told her and she said, "Looks like your surgery has been pushed back a little. You look to be scheduled for 3:44." WHAT? It's only 11:30. I said, "Well, I will have you know that I am going to starve to death by then." Before she could say another word, a male nurse came in with a paper in his hand and said, "Don't tell her that yet. I have her on here and it looks like she is up next. So probably around 1:00." Good...I like 1 better than almost 4. So she puts us in a room and I told John to take the kids and go eat. He left and Tammy, Brigette and Brittany came into the room. They sat with me until the guys were done eating. The guys came back and Dave came to tell them they could go get some food now. Dave sat down and we chatted for a few minutes until RJ and Josh walked into the room. They said John was finishing up his lunch and would be there soon.
John came in and Dave and the boys went back out to the family waiting area. John and I sat there for a little while longer and at about 12:20 they came in and said they were ready to take me up to the surgery holding area. YAY!! It's finally here. After all the waiting and worrying...it's finally here! We walked up to the surgery area and they put me on a gurney. The paper-type gown they put me in is actually a warming gown. It hooks up to a hose that blows warm air into the gown and surrounds you with heat. I AM IN HEAVEN!! The anesthesiologist came in and was talking with us. She said that after she asked me some questions she would give me a shot to "relax" me and then they would take me to the OR as soon as they were ready. About 10 minutes later she told me she was going to give me the relaxation shot...and I drifted off to sleep.
John said he had to keep checking on me to make sure I was breathing. He said I was so quiet and still that he couldn't see my chest rise and fall. Of course he had to make fun of me and tell me that I was doing some weird thing with my mouth...but I don't believe him. :)
I remember bits and pieces of things up to the point of being wheeled into the OR and then nothing until the nurse said, "Flora, we need to get you sitting up in the recliner so you can go home." I climbed off the gurney and sat in the recliner. Things are still fuzzy at this point and I am feeling a bit nauseated...but I know I want to go home. I want to sleep. Not really feeling much pain right now...must be some REALLY GOOD DRUGS.
John went to the parking garage to get the truck while Dave waited with me. Tammy took the kids home for me. John said they came in to tell me good bye but I don't remember. Like I said REALLY GOOD DRUGS. John pulled up out front, I climed into the back seat of the truck and don't really remember much until they told me we were home. Went into the house, straight to the bedroom and knocked back out.
The night before surgery:
Sitting at home anticipating the day to come. Not nervous...not at all. Dave, Sandra, John and I went out for dinner. We laughed and talked and enjoyed each others company.
We all came back to our house and chatted for a few more minutes and then they said they were going to leave because we needed to get some rest.
I was sad to see them go...but knew that they were right, plus Dave was coming with us and had to be back at 4:15 am. Sandra wanted to come so badly, but couldn't get off work.
John and I were both fully prepared for the day ahead and couldn't wait for it to get here. We went to bed rather early and drifted off to sleep.
Apparently we were not too up in arms about the day to come...we both slept rather well and got up as soon as the alarm went off... Surgery day is here!
We all came back to our house and chatted for a few more minutes and then they said they were going to leave because we needed to get some rest.
I was sad to see them go...but knew that they were right, plus Dave was coming with us and had to be back at 4:15 am. Sandra wanted to come so badly, but couldn't get off work.
John and I were both fully prepared for the day ahead and couldn't wait for it to get here. We went to bed rather early and drifted off to sleep.
Apparently we were not too up in arms about the day to come...we both slept rather well and got up as soon as the alarm went off... Surgery day is here!
Surgeon's office....pre-op testing
We go in on Tuesday for pre-op testing and had to stop in at the surgeon's office for the paperwork. They told us the Dr. wanted to see me. UHHHHHHH....sinking feeling setting in...
We are sitting in the little room and the Dr. came in rather quickly. He said, "I know that you have already heard the GOOD NEWS about the other sites that were biopsied. I believe we can do surgery next Monday (more waiting) and we will only do a lumpectomy and remove the sentinel node. A LUMPECTOMY?!?!?
Doc...how do I go from having a Radical Bi-Lateral Mastectomy to a Lumpectomy? He said, "Well when we got the results from your MRI and saw the "other suspicious sites" we had to be prepared for the worst. We had to prepare you for the worst. Fortunately we are able to perform the best surgery in this circumstance."
WOW. What more can I say? The past two day truly were the BEST days we have had in two months. Sighs of relief...............
We are sitting in the little room and the Dr. came in rather quickly. He said, "I know that you have already heard the GOOD NEWS about the other sites that were biopsied. I believe we can do surgery next Monday (more waiting) and we will only do a lumpectomy and remove the sentinel node. A LUMPECTOMY?!?!?
Doc...how do I go from having a Radical Bi-Lateral Mastectomy to a Lumpectomy? He said, "Well when we got the results from your MRI and saw the "other suspicious sites" we had to be prepared for the worst. We had to prepare you for the worst. Fortunately we are able to perform the best surgery in this circumstance."
WOW. What more can I say? The past two day truly were the BEST days we have had in two months. Sighs of relief...............
Monday: Biopsy Results...
Monday I sit at work, like a maniac...waiting for "the call." And waiting...and waiting ...and waiting. Lunch time passes...still no call. Ok, who knew four hours would feel like a lifetime?
At 1:00 I see that all too familiar 312 area code! YES! I said, "Hello?" The other end of the phone is a man's voice, "Hi, Flora... I have GOOD NEWS for you."
WAIT........did he say GOOD NEWS? He must have dialed the wrong telephone number. He must be talking to the wrong FLORA.
"OK, did you just say Good News? I haven't heard good news in more than two months!!" Dr. said, "The two newest sites we biopsied came back benign."
BENIGN! BENIGN! WHAT??? I sat there quiet for a moment...taking it in. Finally I said, "You said benign right?" He said, "Yes. Non-cancerous. It appears that you only have one tumor on the left that returned to be cancer. You need to call your surgeon and make an appointment for surgery."
WAHHH HOOOO! HOLY COW! Honestly the best news I have heard in MONTHS! OMG! You cannot imagine the smile that was on my face!
I called my surgeon's office and they told me to come in the next day for some pre-op testing. PRE-OP!! I am going to have surgery and have this DEMON removed....FINALLY!!!!
At 1:00 I see that all too familiar 312 area code! YES! I said, "Hello?" The other end of the phone is a man's voice, "Hi, Flora... I have GOOD NEWS for you."
WAIT........did he say GOOD NEWS? He must have dialed the wrong telephone number. He must be talking to the wrong FLORA.
"OK, did you just say Good News? I haven't heard good news in more than two months!!" Dr. said, "The two newest sites we biopsied came back benign."
BENIGN! BENIGN! WHAT??? I sat there quiet for a moment...taking it in. Finally I said, "You said benign right?" He said, "Yes. Non-cancerous. It appears that you only have one tumor on the left that returned to be cancer. You need to call your surgeon and make an appointment for surgery."
WAHHH HOOOO! HOLY COW! Honestly the best news I have heard in MONTHS! OMG! You cannot imagine the smile that was on my face!
I called my surgeon's office and they told me to come in the next day for some pre-op testing. PRE-OP!! I am going to have surgery and have this DEMON removed....FINALLY!!!!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Ultrasound Biopsies
So early the next morning we find ourselves back at the hospital. Knowing full well what to expect as far as the procedure goes and not knowing anything about what to expect for results.
The Radiologist told me that the right breast will be a "fine needle aspiration biopsy." In English- we are going to insert a needle into the site and withdraw some fluid. If the "site" collapses, it means it is nothing and the fluid will not have to be tested. That is what is expected to happen in the right breast.
The Dr. after several tribulations finds a place to insert the needle, without hitting any major blood vessels and starts to perform the aspiration in the right breast. Little did we both know...the lidocaine (numbing medication) didn't go as deep down as the needle did and I could feel the whole thing. Dr. said he would stop and give me more lidocaine...I told him no...just finish. He withdrew the needle and told the nurse to send it in for testing. SERIOUSLY? Is there ANYTHING that can go right? Why couldn't that little thing just have collapsed? Ughhh....on to the next side.
He said, "This side should be easier." Easier?? You are shoving a huge needle in my breast and then ripping out tissue....and that's easier for who??? He was correct. It was not as painful (while it was numb) and he was able to get to it without any trouble. He told me that he would call me on Monday with the results. Monday? Today is Wednesday!! More WAITING.........
The Radiologist told me that the right breast will be a "fine needle aspiration biopsy." In English- we are going to insert a needle into the site and withdraw some fluid. If the "site" collapses, it means it is nothing and the fluid will not have to be tested. That is what is expected to happen in the right breast.
The Dr. after several tribulations finds a place to insert the needle, without hitting any major blood vessels and starts to perform the aspiration in the right breast. Little did we both know...the lidocaine (numbing medication) didn't go as deep down as the needle did and I could feel the whole thing. Dr. said he would stop and give me more lidocaine...I told him no...just finish. He withdrew the needle and told the nurse to send it in for testing. SERIOUSLY? Is there ANYTHING that can go right? Why couldn't that little thing just have collapsed? Ughhh....on to the next side.
He said, "This side should be easier." Easier?? You are shoving a huge needle in my breast and then ripping out tissue....and that's easier for who??? He was correct. It was not as painful (while it was numb) and he was able to get to it without any trouble. He told me that he would call me on Monday with the results. Monday? Today is Wednesday!! More WAITING.........
MRI Biopsy
Go in and get prepped for an MRI guided "core needle biopsy" of one of the sites in the right breast. The Dr. comes in and introduces himself and said, "We are going to get you in and out as soon as we can. We will numb the breast and take some samples of the tissue. You should not be in pain, but you will be sore."
After lying on the MRI table for more than an hour (And you have to stay completely STILL and in the same position), the Dr. came in and said, "We cannot do it." WHAT?? Why not? He said, "Your breast tissue isn't firm enough (nice way of saying it's too FLABBY...lol) and I do not feel comfortable inserting the needle and not getting the correct location. I have marked the site with a marker and I want to see if we can locate it with ultrasound now that we have it marked."
So...off the MRI table and back up to ultrasound. Within 5 minutes he located one of the "suspicious sites" in the right breast. He told me not to wash off the marker and they would do both ultrasound biopsies the following day...
Waiting is ultimately the worst part of this yet...but again I have to wait.
After lying on the MRI table for more than an hour (And you have to stay completely STILL and in the same position), the Dr. came in and said, "We cannot do it." WHAT?? Why not? He said, "Your breast tissue isn't firm enough (nice way of saying it's too FLABBY...lol) and I do not feel comfortable inserting the needle and not getting the correct location. I have marked the site with a marker and I want to see if we can locate it with ultrasound now that we have it marked."
So...off the MRI table and back up to ultrasound. Within 5 minutes he located one of the "suspicious sites" in the right breast. He told me not to wash off the marker and they would do both ultrasound biopsies the following day...
Waiting is ultimately the worst part of this yet...but again I have to wait.
Back to the Surgeon
Sitting on the exam table waiting for the Dr. to come into the room all I can do is look at John and think how lucky I am to have him; standing by my side, holding me, holding my hand, being my rock yet crying with me at the same time.
The Dr. knocks and then walks in the room. He's a very up front, polite, and honest man. He does not sugar coat anything and tell's us everything just like it is.
He said, "Well, with the findings on the MRI and the lack of the findings on the ultrasound we need to do some more tests before surgery." I said, "Dr. I understand that you need to be fully informed of what you are dealing with but honestly...do I need to undergo these biopsies if you are going to remove both of my breasts anyway???" He began to explain that the tests would determine how much of the breast skin and underlying area could be saved for reconstruction purposes. UGHHHHH....REALLY?? Fine. He told me he had to call the Radiology department and contact the head of Radiology to "get me in asap" and that I should call later that afternoon for my appointment.
You guessed it.....another week. This is really becoming disappointing...but I am going to one of the best hospitals with the best Dr's and staff and need to realize that they have THOUSANDS of patients. So we wait.......
The Dr. knocks and then walks in the room. He's a very up front, polite, and honest man. He does not sugar coat anything and tell's us everything just like it is.
He said, "Well, with the findings on the MRI and the lack of the findings on the ultrasound we need to do some more tests before surgery." I said, "Dr. I understand that you need to be fully informed of what you are dealing with but honestly...do I need to undergo these biopsies if you are going to remove both of my breasts anyway???" He began to explain that the tests would determine how much of the breast skin and underlying area could be saved for reconstruction purposes. UGHHHHH....REALLY?? Fine. He told me he had to call the Radiology department and contact the head of Radiology to "get me in asap" and that I should call later that afternoon for my appointment.
You guessed it.....another week. This is really becoming disappointing...but I am going to one of the best hospitals with the best Dr's and staff and need to realize that they have THOUSANDS of patients. So we wait.......
Call from the Dr.
At work one morning my cell phone rings. It is a Chicago area code...hmmmmmmm ? "Hello?" I hear a man's voice, "Flora? What is going on with you? I haven't heard from you and we need to stay on top of this. Why haven't I heard from you?" Well, Dr. I have an appointment with you tomorrow morning... "Alright, I will see you in the morning. You have completed all of your tests, right? I am making you an appointment with the reconstructive surgeon. You will see him as soon as you leave my office tomorrow morning."
Yes, Dr. all of my tests have been completed and I am just WAITING to come see you. Really want to get this on the road. It is becoming very frustrating...all this waiting and waiting.
"OK, I will see you first thing in the morning."
Yes, Dr. all of my tests have been completed and I am just WAITING to come see you. Really want to get this on the road. It is becoming very frustrating...all this waiting and waiting.
"OK, I will see you first thing in the morning."
Saturday, May 8, 2010
The waiting game
I called and the earliest appointment I could get for the MRI was 2 weeks away!! So we waited...and waited...and waited. Finally! The day for the MRI. :) After the MRI was over (which has been the easiest test yet) I was able to schedule the appointment with the Oncologist. I met with her two days later to get the results of my BRCA test (testing for a genetic mutation) and the results of the MRI. The Dr. walked in and introduced herself, laid my chart on the table and said she would be right back she had to grab the results of the MRI. So....I could't help but look a little. John told me to stop...but I never listen. (It's a woman thing) I started to peek and saw a folder that said, "Understanding your genetic test results." OMG!! I have the gene...my kids and my sisters are going to have to face this DEMON as well one day! The Dr. came back into the room and said, "First we will talk about your genetic testing." So I took a deep breath and squeezed John's hand as hard as I possibly could expecting to hear the worst. Dr. said, "Your results returned NEGATIVE...you do not carry the genetic mutation. That is not to say that your children or sisters will not ever suffer from Breast Cancer...but we know it is not genetically passed on." WHAT A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF! Then she said, "But we are very SURPRISED that you returned Negative...you exhibit every indication that you should be positive for the gene." Well....what the %$^& does that mean? She said that the test is 95% accurate and because it returned Negative as opposed to Unknown they were going to go with the findings.
Now on to the results of the MRI:
The Dr. said, "The MRI shows another tumor in your left breast under the nipple (the breast that has the cancer), one lymphnode appears it may be affected and there are 2 "suspicious" sites in the right breast." GOOD LORD, can I EVER get a break? I mean seriously...can anything go in my favor? She told me that a Bi-lateral Mastectomy would be my best option. A Bi-lateral Mastectomy = having BOTH breasts removed. Then she said, "You will also have to undergo CHEMOTHERAPY treatment. The good news is that you will not require radiation therapy." Wow, that's THE good news? Don't hold back Doc.
She told me that I need to have ANOTHER mammogram and ultrasound of both breasts. that equals MORE WAITING. :( So I called and scheduled those tests and a WEEK LATER was back in the Breast Imaging center. Had the mammogram and then the Dr. performed the ultrasound. He told me that my "Team of Dr.'s" are wanting all of the suspicious and new sites BIOPSIED! Again....WHAT? WHAT FOR? They already said I am going to have both of my breasts chopped off....what should I endure that much more pain for? God, this is NOT FAIR! As the Dr. was performing the ultrasound he located the "new site" in the left breast quite easily. He attempted to find the lymphnode...and said he thinks he found it but is not sure. Then on to the right side....Nothing...He can't find anything. So what does that mean? ANOTHER MRI.
Well what do you know...I have to wait yet again. Next appointment is with my Dr. Let's see what he has to say...
Now on to the results of the MRI:
The Dr. said, "The MRI shows another tumor in your left breast under the nipple (the breast that has the cancer), one lymphnode appears it may be affected and there are 2 "suspicious" sites in the right breast." GOOD LORD, can I EVER get a break? I mean seriously...can anything go in my favor? She told me that a Bi-lateral Mastectomy would be my best option. A Bi-lateral Mastectomy = having BOTH breasts removed. Then she said, "You will also have to undergo CHEMOTHERAPY treatment. The good news is that you will not require radiation therapy." Wow, that's THE good news? Don't hold back Doc.
She told me that I need to have ANOTHER mammogram and ultrasound of both breasts. that equals MORE WAITING. :( So I called and scheduled those tests and a WEEK LATER was back in the Breast Imaging center. Had the mammogram and then the Dr. performed the ultrasound. He told me that my "Team of Dr.'s" are wanting all of the suspicious and new sites BIOPSIED! Again....WHAT? WHAT FOR? They already said I am going to have both of my breasts chopped off....what should I endure that much more pain for? God, this is NOT FAIR! As the Dr. was performing the ultrasound he located the "new site" in the left breast quite easily. He attempted to find the lymphnode...and said he thinks he found it but is not sure. Then on to the right side....Nothing...He can't find anything. So what does that mean? ANOTHER MRI.
Well what do you know...I have to wait yet again. Next appointment is with my Dr. Let's see what he has to say...
Friday, May 7, 2010
Our 1st appointment with the surgeon:
Up to this point, the crying had subsided and I thought I had come to terms with having Breast Cancer. The Dr. walked into the room and said, "I am sorry you have to be here..." and I started bawling. Crying like I hadn't cried before. I almost thought something was wrong with me. I couldn't stop.
He said, "This is treatable and curable, but NOT uncomplicated." He told me I would need further testing and need to talk to the Oncologist PRIOR to having surgery.
Man.......I thought he was going to tell me...surgery this week...but that is not what was said. OK, what tests and lets do them TODAY!! It doesn't go that fast. :(
Dr. told me he wanted to do another ultrasound of the left breast to see the tumor and was going to schedule me for an MRI. He told me I need to make an appointment with the Oncologist and after both of those appointments are complete, to make another appointment with him.
He said, "This is treatable and curable, but NOT uncomplicated." He told me I would need further testing and need to talk to the Oncologist PRIOR to having surgery.
Man.......I thought he was going to tell me...surgery this week...but that is not what was said. OK, what tests and lets do them TODAY!! It doesn't go that fast. :(
Dr. told me he wanted to do another ultrasound of the left breast to see the tumor and was going to schedule me for an MRI. He told me I need to make an appointment with the Oncologist and after both of those appointments are complete, to make another appointment with him.
Results are in...
The hospital called and "Shelley" the breast nurse was on the other end of the phone. In her, soft spoken, "I pity you" voice she said, "Flora....unfortunately I have to tell you the results are in and you have cancer. You need to see a surgeon IMMEDIATELY!!"
I started to cry...there it is...CANCER. My life...our lives...changed forever at that moment.
How? Why? What did I do to deserve this? She told me I have stage 3 Breast Cancer and need to have it removed as soon as possible. She told me if I needed to talk I could call her any time.
Is she telling me I am going to die? How long do I have to live? How long has IT been there? How bad is it? Is it only in the breast? My mind was reeling...I don't even know what else she said. John was standing there...crying. I don't think I could get the words out of my mouth; but then again...I didn't have to...John already knew. Is this fair? We just started our lives together...and now we are going to be torn apart by this THING?
John just stood there...crying. I told him a bit of what she said and that it was stage 3. I told him I don't want to die. I want to live a long, happy, healthy life with him in it. I told him that I am so scared. He held me as we both cried. He told me that everything was going to be ok, and we were going to have that long, healthy, happy life together. We, together were going to beat this thing. He told me he loved me and kissed me ever so gently.
My mind continued to reel. How do I tell my kids? What do I tell my kids? What are they going to think? How are they going to react? Will they think I am going to die?
They came over and I asked them to sit down. Not knowing exactly what to say or how to say it I am sure I had this "look" on my face. I said, "I need to talk to you guys. I have something to tell you." They looked at me and for a moment, I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. Brittany said, "Mom! Are you going to make us wait all day before you say anything?" That's my little chip off the ole block. Just like her momma in so many ways. Alright, "I found out today that I have Breast Cancer." SILENCE, then...tears. Silent tears. The tears I remember shedding when my dad told me my mom had Lung Cancer. Then the tears I remember shedding when I found out my dad had cancer years later.
They cried and I cried...we all sat and cried together.
I hugged my kids. A long, loving, lasting hug. Hopefully one that they will always remember. Then I told them, "This is NOT a death sentence. This does not mean I am going to die. I have so much more life in me and a lot more living to do." I told them that the road to recovery is going to get much harder before it gets easier. The questions came...as I expected they would. "How did you get this? How bad is it? How long have you known? What can you do to make it better? Does this mean WE will get this too? What happens next?" Indeed...what does happen next?
The day went on...the tears dried and I decided that I was not going to let Breast Cancer define me...not one bit! I REFUSE to let Cancer rule me! I am stronger than that. We...TOGETHER will be stronger than Cancer.
Back on the telephone...time to start contacting Dr.'s in Chicago...not staying around here! I deserve the best and I am going to have the best. By 4:00 pm I had an appointment with a surgeon at Rush University on Monday morning. Let's do this!
I started to cry...there it is...CANCER. My life...our lives...changed forever at that moment.
How? Why? What did I do to deserve this? She told me I have stage 3 Breast Cancer and need to have it removed as soon as possible. She told me if I needed to talk I could call her any time.
Is she telling me I am going to die? How long do I have to live? How long has IT been there? How bad is it? Is it only in the breast? My mind was reeling...I don't even know what else she said. John was standing there...crying. I don't think I could get the words out of my mouth; but then again...I didn't have to...John already knew. Is this fair? We just started our lives together...and now we are going to be torn apart by this THING?
John just stood there...crying. I told him a bit of what she said and that it was stage 3. I told him I don't want to die. I want to live a long, happy, healthy life with him in it. I told him that I am so scared. He held me as we both cried. He told me that everything was going to be ok, and we were going to have that long, healthy, happy life together. We, together were going to beat this thing. He told me he loved me and kissed me ever so gently.
My mind continued to reel. How do I tell my kids? What do I tell my kids? What are they going to think? How are they going to react? Will they think I am going to die?
They came over and I asked them to sit down. Not knowing exactly what to say or how to say it I am sure I had this "look" on my face. I said, "I need to talk to you guys. I have something to tell you." They looked at me and for a moment, I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. Brittany said, "Mom! Are you going to make us wait all day before you say anything?" That's my little chip off the ole block. Just like her momma in so many ways. Alright, "I found out today that I have Breast Cancer." SILENCE, then...tears. Silent tears. The tears I remember shedding when my dad told me my mom had Lung Cancer. Then the tears I remember shedding when I found out my dad had cancer years later.
They cried and I cried...we all sat and cried together.
I hugged my kids. A long, loving, lasting hug. Hopefully one that they will always remember. Then I told them, "This is NOT a death sentence. This does not mean I am going to die. I have so much more life in me and a lot more living to do." I told them that the road to recovery is going to get much harder before it gets easier. The questions came...as I expected they would. "How did you get this? How bad is it? How long have you known? What can you do to make it better? Does this mean WE will get this too? What happens next?" Indeed...what does happen next?
The day went on...the tears dried and I decided that I was not going to let Breast Cancer define me...not one bit! I REFUSE to let Cancer rule me! I am stronger than that. We...TOGETHER will be stronger than Cancer.
Back on the telephone...time to start contacting Dr.'s in Chicago...not staying around here! I deserve the best and I am going to have the best. By 4:00 pm I had an appointment with a surgeon at Rush University on Monday morning. Let's do this!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Mammogram
The day of the mammogram:
I walk in after another three days of waiting hell. The mammogram technician was very nice and assured me she would do her best to rule out anything that didn't seem to be of importance.
She took the films she needed and said they had to be reviewed by the radiologist and would be back in a few minutes.
After about 10 minutes she came back in and said she needed a few more views...panic started to set in...I could feel it in my throat.
About 10 minutes later she came back into the room and said, "The Dr. wants you to go ahead and have the ultrasound...he didn't like one of the sites on the mammogram." I said, "I figured you were going to say that..."
Already trying to prepare my mind to hear "You Have Cancer" I sat in the lab with John and Jake (my step-son) and my sister Mary (she works in the lab). John and Mary were trying to reassure me that it's "routine" and they are just trying to rule out everything.
The nurse came in and took me to ultrasound...of course I was alone...no one was allowed in the ultrasound room with me. The ultrasound tech was very polite and talked to me while she was performing the test to keep me cool. When she was done getting all her views she said, "I need to get the Dr. so he can take a look." Well....I thought...if it's "nothing" why does the Dr. need to come in for a "look"???? I started to breathe a bit heavier...but tried to remain calm. The Dr. came in and started moving the wand around on my left breast. In a monotone voice...quite matter-of-factly said, "Do you see that??" There was a "black blob...with little dots inside it." I said, "Yes, I see that." He said, "Those are what we call "microcalcifications"... and that is an indication that you have CANCER...... All I could say is, "Alright, what's next?" The Dr. paused for a minute and said, "Usually when I tell a woman she may have cancer she starts to cry. I am sort of surprised by your reaction." I told the Dr., "I was fully expecting you to tell me I have cancer...so now what do we do?!?" He said, "Well, you need to have a biopsy. You can either schedule it or if you want we can do it today since we don't have anyone else scheduled." NOT A HARD DECISION!! DO IT NOW!! So I told the Dr. I wanted to do it now. He agreed and asked me if I had any requests? I asked if my fiance` could be with me. He said that was a strange request, but if that's what I wanted he was alright with it. Really? Is it such a strange request to have a loved one in the room while I go through such a traumatic thing? I didn't think so and really didn't care if the Dr. did.
As I waited for the room to be set up for the biopsy I walked back down the "hall of doom" toward the lab. I could see John and Mary standing there waiting for me with smiles on their faces as if they were expecting me to tell them "All is well." The only thing I could do was shake my head no. I walked to the bathroom and started to cry....but just for a minute. I walked out and hugged John and told him what the Dr. said. I think John started to cry...and then he said, "It's not certain yet...it could still be a cyst."
The nurse came back and walked us to the biopsy room. The Dr. pointed out the "microcalcifications" to John and explained the biopsy as he prepared each step. The biopsy didn't last that long...and it wasn't all too painful. The Dr. said it would take up to 48 hours to get the results and they would call me with them.
Now...another few days of waiting...
I walk in after another three days of waiting hell. The mammogram technician was very nice and assured me she would do her best to rule out anything that didn't seem to be of importance.
She took the films she needed and said they had to be reviewed by the radiologist and would be back in a few minutes.
After about 10 minutes she came back in and said she needed a few more views...panic started to set in...I could feel it in my throat.
About 10 minutes later she came back into the room and said, "The Dr. wants you to go ahead and have the ultrasound...he didn't like one of the sites on the mammogram." I said, "I figured you were going to say that..."
Already trying to prepare my mind to hear "You Have Cancer" I sat in the lab with John and Jake (my step-son) and my sister Mary (she works in the lab). John and Mary were trying to reassure me that it's "routine" and they are just trying to rule out everything.
The nurse came in and took me to ultrasound...of course I was alone...no one was allowed in the ultrasound room with me. The ultrasound tech was very polite and talked to me while she was performing the test to keep me cool. When she was done getting all her views she said, "I need to get the Dr. so he can take a look." Well....I thought...if it's "nothing" why does the Dr. need to come in for a "look"???? I started to breathe a bit heavier...but tried to remain calm. The Dr. came in and started moving the wand around on my left breast. In a monotone voice...quite matter-of-factly said, "Do you see that??" There was a "black blob...with little dots inside it." I said, "Yes, I see that." He said, "Those are what we call "microcalcifications"... and that is an indication that you have CANCER...... All I could say is, "Alright, what's next?" The Dr. paused for a minute and said, "Usually when I tell a woman she may have cancer she starts to cry. I am sort of surprised by your reaction." I told the Dr., "I was fully expecting you to tell me I have cancer...so now what do we do?!?" He said, "Well, you need to have a biopsy. You can either schedule it or if you want we can do it today since we don't have anyone else scheduled." NOT A HARD DECISION!! DO IT NOW!! So I told the Dr. I wanted to do it now. He agreed and asked me if I had any requests? I asked if my fiance` could be with me. He said that was a strange request, but if that's what I wanted he was alright with it. Really? Is it such a strange request to have a loved one in the room while I go through such a traumatic thing? I didn't think so and really didn't care if the Dr. did.
As I waited for the room to be set up for the biopsy I walked back down the "hall of doom" toward the lab. I could see John and Mary standing there waiting for me with smiles on their faces as if they were expecting me to tell them "All is well." The only thing I could do was shake my head no. I walked to the bathroom and started to cry....but just for a minute. I walked out and hugged John and told him what the Dr. said. I think John started to cry...and then he said, "It's not certain yet...it could still be a cyst."
The nurse came back and walked us to the biopsy room. The Dr. pointed out the "microcalcifications" to John and explained the biopsy as he prepared each step. The biopsy didn't last that long...and it wasn't all too painful. The Dr. said it would take up to 48 hours to get the results and they would call me with them.
Now...another few days of waiting...
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Whirl wind
John and I were wrestling around, and he bumped into my left breast. "Ouch!!" What the heck? OH NO!! I started to cry... John apologized and told me he didn't think he actually hit me that hard. I told him he didn't... I almost couldn't get the words out of my mouth.
I found a lump. How can this be? No one in my family has ever had Breast Cancer. I am only 38...there has to be another explanation. Some other "thing" has caused this lump. Maybe a cyst or a fibroid tumor or.....?
I couldn't bear the thought of it being Cancer. Both my mother and my father died from Cancer many years ago. Mom of Lung Cancer and Dad of Prostate Cancer.
I was in school all week for some training for work and all I could think of was that "lump." I contacted my OB/GYNE and made an appointment for that Friday. Friday?? Why can't I get in TODAY?? I have to sit and wait 3 whole days before I can even see the Dr.??
Friday finally came and I was terrified for him to say, "I think it could be cancer...we need to do some tests." When he came in to examine me he asked several questions; "Does it hurt?" "How long has it been there?" "How did you find it?" "Do you do monthly self exams?" After answering his questions he did the physical exam. He said, "I am very unimpressed by this...it doesn't seem like anything to be concerned about. We will have you do a mammogram and then an ultrasound and biopsy IF needed."
WHEEEEEEEWWWW!! What a relief (for a minute). I mean really...the Dr. is "unimpressed" with the lump?? Surely it cannot be anything "that bad"....RIGHT?
I found a lump. How can this be? No one in my family has ever had Breast Cancer. I am only 38...there has to be another explanation. Some other "thing" has caused this lump. Maybe a cyst or a fibroid tumor or.....?
I couldn't bear the thought of it being Cancer. Both my mother and my father died from Cancer many years ago. Mom of Lung Cancer and Dad of Prostate Cancer.
I was in school all week for some training for work and all I could think of was that "lump." I contacted my OB/GYNE and made an appointment for that Friday. Friday?? Why can't I get in TODAY?? I have to sit and wait 3 whole days before I can even see the Dr.??
Friday finally came and I was terrified for him to say, "I think it could be cancer...we need to do some tests." When he came in to examine me he asked several questions; "Does it hurt?" "How long has it been there?" "How did you find it?" "Do you do monthly self exams?" After answering his questions he did the physical exam. He said, "I am very unimpressed by this...it doesn't seem like anything to be concerned about. We will have you do a mammogram and then an ultrasound and biopsy IF needed."
WHEEEEEEEWWWW!! What a relief (for a minute). I mean really...the Dr. is "unimpressed" with the lump?? Surely it cannot be anything "that bad"....RIGHT?
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