So July 27 in fact was "CHEMO DAY"... What a day it was. Getting hooked up to the IV was pretty uneventful. First one didn't work, of course. So on with another poke. Second one was successful and shortly thereafter, the "healing poison" (as John so eleoquently called it) began to flow.
The nurse, Autumn, was very kind, talking to us and explaining everything as she went along. She began to tell us about the 1st drug, Adramyacin, AKA "Kool Aid" or "Red". She told us she had to manually inject the drug into my vein so she could watch it...So I of course have to ask why she needs to watch it. She tells me that the "drug" is so toxic that if it were to "leak" from my vein it would begin to kill my tissue instantly and I could face the possibility of having my arm amputated if that were to happen. WHAT???? GREAT!! And they still give it to you. Wonder what it is doing to the rest of me. The next two drugs "Taxatier and Cytoxin" are not quite as bad. The rest of the "meds" go in uneventfully and we wrap up the day.
Not too much to talk about for the first night. Had to get up early on the second day and head back to Rush for a shot of Neulasta. Helps to build the cells back up...but it also has some side effects. Like, back pain. After we got back from Rush I slept the rest of the day. All of it. And most of the third day. Then, I felt like CRAP. Not vomiting, not lethargic, just like crap. So very hard to stay awake. Not really able to function. Didn't eat for three days. Hard to stay hydrated when you are sleeping and feeling crappy, right? They say...drink, drink, drink....plenty of fluids. Hmmmm...not possible.
So by day 5 I have this back pain that had set in. At first it was a nagging, aching pain. But by day 8 it was unbearable. COMPLETELY. I woke up at 6 am in so much pain. Couldn't sit, couldn't lay, couldn't stand, comfortably. I managed to find a semi-tolerable position on the couch...and winced in pain. The pain eventually became so unbearable I started to cry. I called the hospital and asked them to page the Dr. Of course she was on vacation... ARE YOU KIDDING ME? But, the Nurse Practicioner was available and they told me they would have her call me back.
Within 5 minutes she called, but by then I was blubbering so much I could barely muster the strength to tell her what was wrong. I managed to stop crying long enough to tell her I was in so much pain and for her to tell me to come in immediately.
Well, I was in so much pain...and feeling that John didn't really care (just because I was out of my mind at the time) I started yelling at him. Telling him he did not care about me because I was laying on the couch in pain and he didn't even ask me if I was alright. Well....how could he? He was in bed asleep. But I managed to mangle the whole event to suit me at the time. I yelled and cried and told him he was not taking me to the hospital because he didn't love me. He of course told me he was taking me and was not taking no for an answer. He apologized a thousand times for not asking me what was wrong (even though he knew there was no way he could know) and reassured me he loved me and was here to take care of me.
I finally gave in and we left. It was such an uncomfortable 45 minute ride. I couldn't sit still in the truck. Everything hurt. It hurt to touch my skin. I was miserable and didn't understand how I went downhill so quickly. I was still sulking and being a mean bitch (the only word that describes it) to John and he was so lovingly accepting all I was dishing out. And then...the hospital. It couldn't have been in my sights at a better time. I needed to be there. I was so miserable...
John took my hand and rushed me to the 8th floor. Asking me if I wanted him to get me a wheelchair. Of course I snapped and said, "No, I can walk." And he just continued on, like nothing.
We get to the "Chemo room"...and what a sad, miserable, horrid room it is... and they spot me right away. The nurse has me sit in a chair and puts a tourniquet on my arm to start an IV. Just the pressure building from the tourniquet was so painful! I wanted to start crying...but I didn't...yet. She started tapping on the back of my hand looking for a vein and it took everything I had not to cry. When she finally found a vein, she poked me and I started sobbing. It hurt so bad. She told me she was sorry and I had to apologize to her. It was not her fault, she didn't do anything wrong... I was just so sensitive. She started the IV and told me she would be back with some steroids. She said as soon as the steroids were infused I would start feeling much better. She also told me they would help with the back pain, the nausea and vomiting. She returned with the syringe and started pushing the steroids in...and I started yelling, "I'm gonna puke" over and over. The poor nurses... they started running around looking for an emesis basin for me to get sick in, bumping into each other and scrambling around. After I threw up, the nurse looked at me and said, "THAT was not supposed to happen. The steroids were supposed to make you feel better." Well, they did....AFTER. LOL.
They also told me that my blood pressure was extremely low and they needed to make sure I had more normal vitals OR... they were going to have to seek "other" options. Hmmmm...no way, no hospital for me.
After they pushed the fluids and other meds I fell asleep. Yay!!! When I woke up I felt better...a bit. My blood pressure returned to a "normal" level and I didn't feel as bad. They asked me a dozen times how I was feeling and I told them I am fine. Finally they gave in and told me I could go home...but if I started to feel bad again, I would need to return to the hospital.
John loaded me in the truck and we headed back home. While on the way home I began to realize how horrible I treated him earlier that morning. I started to apologize to him...all the while choking back tears.
This whole Breast Cancer journey has taken a huge toll on me...but I can only imagine what it's doing to John. He is going through everything I am and I am not being nice. I am so sorry for the way I have treated him. It brings me to tears every time I think about what he has to go through with me on a daily basis as well as my horrible attitude. I apologize to him daily and I only hope he realizes I love him with all my heart and hopefully he can forgive me when I turn back into that "crazy lady."
Friday, August 6, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Chemo time....
I spoke with Terri, the clinical trial research nurse on Thursday. She said that I will "tenatively" start chemo on July 27th. Not certain yet, but....if not that day...close to that day. There is some computer randomization that needs to be done and then I will know for sure.... Hopefully tomorrow or the next day.
Keeping my fingers crossed for chemo to start as soon as possible...so it can get over with as soon as possible.
Keeping my fingers crossed for chemo to start as soon as possible...so it can get over with as soon as possible.
On again...
Back to the Surgeon to get the stitches removed. They really hurt coming out! The incision was healed quite well... and scabbed and that's probably what hurt the most. Taking the stitches with the scabs.
He said everything looked great and I should see him in about a month. He also told me he is really thrown by my new last name. He said, I am so used to Flora Akers....and now I have a Flora Ryan....sheesh. :)
He is a great Dr. with a wonderful sense of humor. Sometimes it's hard to find both in your Dr., but I am fortunate.
He said everything looked great and I should see him in about a month. He also told me he is really thrown by my new last name. He said, I am so used to Flora Akers....and now I have a Flora Ryan....sheesh. :)
He is a great Dr. with a wonderful sense of humor. Sometimes it's hard to find both in your Dr., but I am fortunate.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Week of 7-08-10
Went to the surgeon's office on Tuesday...hoping to have all the stitches taken out. No go. He took out the cotton drain and damn did that hurt!! Dr said he wants to leave the stitches in for another week to let the incision heal fully. It is looking a lot better and no sign of infection. :)
Had an appointment today, Thursday, with the Oncologist and had several tests performed. First off I had to have a MUGA Scan. It's a test that checks the heart and its function. They had to put in an IV, draw a vial of blood and inject that blood into some radioactive material. The blood had to be mixed with the radioactive material until it "attached" to the red blood cells. After about 20 minutes, they called me back into the room to re-inject the radioactive blood back into my body. After that was done, they sent me to another room to have the scan. I laid on the table for nearly 20 minutes, and I think I even fell asleep. :)
After I left there I went to have my chest x-ray done, but they said I had to see my Dr. first. So off to the Oncologists office. Got there, had to have some labs done. Wouldn't you know that they poked me in the SAME vein they just used for my IV. Hurt a bit, but nothing I cannot handle. After that I saw the Dr. and the Nurse Practicioner. Asked about the possibility of going back to work full time...that is a no go :(. Both of them "checked" me...aka...felt me up. LOL. I think they like to rub all over me. Ha. Asked me if I had any questions about the chemo therapy.... I told them I think we have discussed chemo the last three times I was there and I cannot think of any other questions. They said the wound was healing nicely and told me to contact Terri, the clinical trial nurse.
Went to have the chest x-ray and I even think the technician was hitting on me. Ugh.... what a day.
Movin on and movin up....
Had an appointment today, Thursday, with the Oncologist and had several tests performed. First off I had to have a MUGA Scan. It's a test that checks the heart and its function. They had to put in an IV, draw a vial of blood and inject that blood into some radioactive material. The blood had to be mixed with the radioactive material until it "attached" to the red blood cells. After about 20 minutes, they called me back into the room to re-inject the radioactive blood back into my body. After that was done, they sent me to another room to have the scan. I laid on the table for nearly 20 minutes, and I think I even fell asleep. :)
After I left there I went to have my chest x-ray done, but they said I had to see my Dr. first. So off to the Oncologists office. Got there, had to have some labs done. Wouldn't you know that they poked me in the SAME vein they just used for my IV. Hurt a bit, but nothing I cannot handle. After that I saw the Dr. and the Nurse Practicioner. Asked about the possibility of going back to work full time...that is a no go :(. Both of them "checked" me...aka...felt me up. LOL. I think they like to rub all over me. Ha. Asked me if I had any questions about the chemo therapy.... I told them I think we have discussed chemo the last three times I was there and I cannot think of any other questions. They said the wound was healing nicely and told me to contact Terri, the clinical trial nurse.
Went to have the chest x-ray and I even think the technician was hitting on me. Ugh.... what a day.
Movin on and movin up....
Friday, July 2, 2010
Phone call....
I got a phone call from the research nurse for the clinical trial today. I have to see the surgeon on Tuesday and hoped I could see the Oncologist the same day as to not have to make so many trips. But of course...I cannot get in on that day.
So I have to go in and see the Oncologist on Thursday and have the pre-testing done before I can start chemo and the clinical trial. I need to have some blood tests, chest x-rays and a MUGA scan.
Will be about 2-3 weeks and chemo starts. I am fully expecting my hair to fall out in a few weeks but I just need to get this thing on the move.
I just thought I would drop a short update to keep ya informed. I will let you know how it goes next week.
Chat with you soon.
So I have to go in and see the Oncologist on Thursday and have the pre-testing done before I can start chemo and the clinical trial. I need to have some blood tests, chest x-rays and a MUGA scan.
Will be about 2-3 weeks and chemo starts. I am fully expecting my hair to fall out in a few weeks but I just need to get this thing on the move.
I just thought I would drop a short update to keep ya informed. I will let you know how it goes next week.
Chat with you soon.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
One week post-op #2
Well the last week has been full of ups and downs. The hole that was left after the last surgery drained a lot every day, and burned like it was on fire when air hit it. The first time they removed the packing it hurt, the second time wasn't as bad. I noticed the incision was beginning to close on its own a bit every day. The incision was not very attractive, but quite effective.
Of course I need to sleep on my left side and cannot because of the incision...so that makes me want to sleep on that side so much more. I have learned to sleep on my back and sometimes on my right side, but it's not as comfortable.
Sunday night comes and I know that tomorrow is the day I have to go back to the Dr. A little apprehensive, but it has to be done. Get some sleep and up the next morning ready to go. John and I decided to take the motorcycle to try and save a little money on gas. It was a nice ride in. Beautiful weather and very little traffic. We make it to the Dr.'s office right on time. We sat in the waiting room for a bit chatting (I was trying to keep my mind off what he was going to do).
Sitting there, looking at John, I realized how lucky I truly am. The man that I married truly loves me. He drops everything to be with me, to do for me, to help me when I need it most. At that moment, I knew out of every decision I have ever made, being his wife has been the best one. I love you John Ryan!
The nurse called us back, told me to remove my clothes from the waist up and the Dr. would be in shortly. John helped me take off my shirt and my bra and then he helped me put on my paper smock. The Dr. came in and asked me how I was feeling and told me to lay down on the table so he could look at the wound. I laid down and he said it looked good. He told me he was going to pull out the packing, "freeze" me and then stitch it up. He told John when he started that John had to wait in the waiting room. The Dr. walked out and John said, "Wonder why I have to wait out side? I want to be in here with you, if you want me." I told John I would ask the Dr., but the Dr. said he couldn't stay. :(
John left and the Dr. pulled out the packing. OUCH!! It felt like he was pulling and pulling and pulling. Then it burned. Man it felt like it was on fire. He told me he was going to "freeze" my skin with some shots of lidocaine. HOLD ON!! I have had shots of lidocaine...they BURN...they don't freeze! So he tells me, you are gonna feel a little stick OUCH!! Then again...OUCH and again....OUCH...and again....OUCH and finally OUCH. He told me, you will now just feel pressure, you shouldn't feel any pain from the stitches. OK, deep breath.........
First stitch..... OUCH!! I felt that. Dr. said, "No, you didn't feel pain, you felt pressure." NO!! I know the difference between pain and pressure. Would you feel pain or pressure if I punched you in the face? Second stitch...OUCH!! Third stitch...OUCH!! Fourth and fifth stitch...hmmmmm, not so bad. Then he places a gauze "wick" drain in the bottom of the incision to let the rest of the stuff drain out of it to finish healing. I said, well at least I only felt 3 out of the 5 stitches. He said, I guess I failed. Only got a 40%. LMAO. All in all, it was not pleasant, but I survived it.
Through all the pain and suffering on this day it was all worth it to hear the Dr. say, "The margins are CLEAR."
Clear margins...YES! I will live with the pain and suffering to have clear margins.
I go back to the Dr. in a week to have the stitches removed and get all the pre op testing done for me to begin Chemo. That will probably begin close to the end of July and last 18 weeks. I will let you all know what happens next week.
Lots of love and hugs....Flora
Of course I need to sleep on my left side and cannot because of the incision...so that makes me want to sleep on that side so much more. I have learned to sleep on my back and sometimes on my right side, but it's not as comfortable.
Sunday night comes and I know that tomorrow is the day I have to go back to the Dr. A little apprehensive, but it has to be done. Get some sleep and up the next morning ready to go. John and I decided to take the motorcycle to try and save a little money on gas. It was a nice ride in. Beautiful weather and very little traffic. We make it to the Dr.'s office right on time. We sat in the waiting room for a bit chatting (I was trying to keep my mind off what he was going to do).
Sitting there, looking at John, I realized how lucky I truly am. The man that I married truly loves me. He drops everything to be with me, to do for me, to help me when I need it most. At that moment, I knew out of every decision I have ever made, being his wife has been the best one. I love you John Ryan!
The nurse called us back, told me to remove my clothes from the waist up and the Dr. would be in shortly. John helped me take off my shirt and my bra and then he helped me put on my paper smock. The Dr. came in and asked me how I was feeling and told me to lay down on the table so he could look at the wound. I laid down and he said it looked good. He told me he was going to pull out the packing, "freeze" me and then stitch it up. He told John when he started that John had to wait in the waiting room. The Dr. walked out and John said, "Wonder why I have to wait out side? I want to be in here with you, if you want me." I told John I would ask the Dr., but the Dr. said he couldn't stay. :(
John left and the Dr. pulled out the packing. OUCH!! It felt like he was pulling and pulling and pulling. Then it burned. Man it felt like it was on fire. He told me he was going to "freeze" my skin with some shots of lidocaine. HOLD ON!! I have had shots of lidocaine...they BURN...they don't freeze! So he tells me, you are gonna feel a little stick OUCH!! Then again...OUCH and again....OUCH...and again....OUCH and finally OUCH. He told me, you will now just feel pressure, you shouldn't feel any pain from the stitches. OK, deep breath.........
First stitch..... OUCH!! I felt that. Dr. said, "No, you didn't feel pain, you felt pressure." NO!! I know the difference between pain and pressure. Would you feel pain or pressure if I punched you in the face? Second stitch...OUCH!! Third stitch...OUCH!! Fourth and fifth stitch...hmmmmm, not so bad. Then he places a gauze "wick" drain in the bottom of the incision to let the rest of the stuff drain out of it to finish healing. I said, well at least I only felt 3 out of the 5 stitches. He said, I guess I failed. Only got a 40%. LMAO. All in all, it was not pleasant, but I survived it.
Through all the pain and suffering on this day it was all worth it to hear the Dr. say, "The margins are CLEAR."
Clear margins...YES! I will live with the pain and suffering to have clear margins.
I go back to the Dr. in a week to have the stitches removed and get all the pre op testing done for me to begin Chemo. That will probably begin close to the end of July and last 18 weeks. I will let you all know what happens next week.
Lots of love and hugs....Flora
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Surgery part two
Surgery again...supposed to have just gone in to expand the cancer free margin. Is it ever that easy? NOPE....
Surgery was scheduled for 5:41 pm...yes, that's right. 5:41. Don't know how they can plan it down to the minute...but they try. So at about 1:30 John and I are out doing some last minute shopping...and my cell phone rings. It's the hospital telling me they had a cancellation and want me to come in as soon as possible. Wahhh hoooo....in earlier means out earlier. :)
We got there about 3:15 and had to wait in registration (of course). Finally out of registration and into the surgical waiting area. Sitting there for only a few minutes and two (very young) Dr.'s walk in and introduce themselves. I would be lying if I told you I remember their names because I don't. I do know one started with a W and the other with a T. They asked to see my breast (fun fun, I know) and then one of them marked my left shoulder to make sure they did surgery on the correct side. Does that mean they would hit the wrong side if it wasn't marked? LOL
Then off to the surgical waiting area. Climb up on the cot...and in comes the anesthesiologist. Mr. Freaking Personality....NOT. John was trying to make jokes with him...but nope. He was like...I am the ANESTHESIOLOGIST, blah, blah, blah....Then he pokes me with lidocaine (to make the IV hurt less when he puts it in) and that hurt like hell. Tells me he's gonna stick me with the IV now, and OUCH!! Hey, you could have waited like 5 seconds for the lidocaine to work, jerk. Now there is blood running all down the inside of my hand and he is wiping off the top of it. OK, so I just wiped it on my blanket and kept talking. LOL. (I am a brat at times I think)
Now it's time for the good stuff!! He tells me he is going to give me something to relax me, but not until the Sr. Dr. gets there. So the Sr. Anesthesiologist comes in and says, I remember you. I was your Dr. last time, I remember your tattoo. LMAO. Really? My tattoo? Not my face, or my hair (well that's different now) or my name...but my tattoo. Ha ha ha. So he asks if I have any questions, I say no and boom....off to sleep I go.
I wake up an unknown amount of time later with John, Brigette, Brittany and Julie by my side. Sorta sore, more sleepy than anything. Throat hurting like crazy and feeling like I have to vomit. I start spitting in a cup, blood, Yeah, they scratched my throat. Must have been "The Anesthesiologist", the Jr. one. Arrogant jerk.
John started telling me what happened during surgery. Ughhh....
It seems that the infection I had a week prior did not clear up. It had cleared from the outside, but was still growing on the inside. The infection had created its own "pocket" and encapsulated itself. My Dr. had to go in, remove the whole encapsulated infection pocket along with the surrounding cavity tissue as well as the tissue that needed to be removed in the first place. Much bigger deal than expected. Then John goes on to tell me the Dr. could not "close" the incision due to the infection. What? What the hell does that mean? That means that I have an open incision approximately 3-4 inches long on my left breast that is OPEN and full of packing. I now have to have the packing pulled out 2 inches and trimmed every other day until I go back to see the Dr. on Monday. Had it done yesterday...ouch, not fun. It looks terrible, but again; I am alive.
The Dr. called to explain all of the details to me. He said, "You are a complicated one." I sorta chuckled and told him, "I believe I told you in the beginning, If it can happen to me...it will." He laughed and said, "Yeah, I believe you. But we are going to make you better, In time. It will just take some time."
Time...I have time. I have my family, my friends, my pets, my job, my home, but most of all right now... I have time. That means I am here to spend another day cherishing all the things that mean the most to me. I will take all the time I can get even if it's time to heal.
<3 Flora
Surgery was scheduled for 5:41 pm...yes, that's right. 5:41. Don't know how they can plan it down to the minute...but they try. So at about 1:30 John and I are out doing some last minute shopping...and my cell phone rings. It's the hospital telling me they had a cancellation and want me to come in as soon as possible. Wahhh hoooo....in earlier means out earlier. :)
We got there about 3:15 and had to wait in registration (of course). Finally out of registration and into the surgical waiting area. Sitting there for only a few minutes and two (very young) Dr.'s walk in and introduce themselves. I would be lying if I told you I remember their names because I don't. I do know one started with a W and the other with a T. They asked to see my breast (fun fun, I know) and then one of them marked my left shoulder to make sure they did surgery on the correct side. Does that mean they would hit the wrong side if it wasn't marked? LOL
Then off to the surgical waiting area. Climb up on the cot...and in comes the anesthesiologist. Mr. Freaking Personality....NOT. John was trying to make jokes with him...but nope. He was like...I am the ANESTHESIOLOGIST, blah, blah, blah....Then he pokes me with lidocaine (to make the IV hurt less when he puts it in) and that hurt like hell. Tells me he's gonna stick me with the IV now, and OUCH!! Hey, you could have waited like 5 seconds for the lidocaine to work, jerk. Now there is blood running all down the inside of my hand and he is wiping off the top of it. OK, so I just wiped it on my blanket and kept talking. LOL. (I am a brat at times I think)
Now it's time for the good stuff!! He tells me he is going to give me something to relax me, but not until the Sr. Dr. gets there. So the Sr. Anesthesiologist comes in and says, I remember you. I was your Dr. last time, I remember your tattoo. LMAO. Really? My tattoo? Not my face, or my hair (well that's different now) or my name...but my tattoo. Ha ha ha. So he asks if I have any questions, I say no and boom....off to sleep I go.
I wake up an unknown amount of time later with John, Brigette, Brittany and Julie by my side. Sorta sore, more sleepy than anything. Throat hurting like crazy and feeling like I have to vomit. I start spitting in a cup, blood, Yeah, they scratched my throat. Must have been "The Anesthesiologist", the Jr. one. Arrogant jerk.
John started telling me what happened during surgery. Ughhh....
It seems that the infection I had a week prior did not clear up. It had cleared from the outside, but was still growing on the inside. The infection had created its own "pocket" and encapsulated itself. My Dr. had to go in, remove the whole encapsulated infection pocket along with the surrounding cavity tissue as well as the tissue that needed to be removed in the first place. Much bigger deal than expected. Then John goes on to tell me the Dr. could not "close" the incision due to the infection. What? What the hell does that mean? That means that I have an open incision approximately 3-4 inches long on my left breast that is OPEN and full of packing. I now have to have the packing pulled out 2 inches and trimmed every other day until I go back to see the Dr. on Monday. Had it done yesterday...ouch, not fun. It looks terrible, but again; I am alive.
The Dr. called to explain all of the details to me. He said, "You are a complicated one." I sorta chuckled and told him, "I believe I told you in the beginning, If it can happen to me...it will." He laughed and said, "Yeah, I believe you. But we are going to make you better, In time. It will just take some time."
Time...I have time. I have my family, my friends, my pets, my job, my home, but most of all right now... I have time. That means I am here to spend another day cherishing all the things that mean the most to me. I will take all the time I can get even if it's time to heal.
<3 Flora
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
