The Chemo has begun....

So July 27 in fact was "CHEMO DAY"... What a day it was. Getting hooked up to the IV was pretty uneventful. First one didn't work, of course. So on with another poke. Second one was successful and shortly thereafter, the "healing poison" (as John so eleoquently called it) began to flow.

The nurse, Autumn, was very kind, talking to us and explaining everything as she went along. She began to tell us about the 1st drug, Adramyacin, AKA "Kool Aid" or "Red". She told us she had to manually inject the drug into my vein so she could watch it...So I of course have to ask why she needs to watch it. She tells me that the "drug" is so toxic that if it were to "leak" from my vein it would begin to kill my tissue instantly and I could face the possibility of having my arm amputated if that were to happen. WHAT???? GREAT!! And they still give it to you. Wonder what it is doing to the rest of me. The next two drugs "Taxatier and Cytoxin" are not quite as bad. The rest of the "meds" go in uneventfully and we wrap up the day.

Not too much to talk about for the first night. Had to get up early on the second day and head back to Rush for a shot of Neulasta. Helps to build the cells back up...but it also has some side effects. Like, back pain. After we got back from Rush I slept the rest of the day. All of it. And most of the third day. Then, I felt like CRAP. Not vomiting, not lethargic, just like crap. So very hard to stay awake. Not really able to function. Didn't eat for three days. Hard to stay hydrated when you are sleeping and feeling crappy, right? They say...drink, drink, drink....plenty of fluids. Hmmmm...not possible.

So by day 5 I have this back pain that had set in. At first it was a nagging, aching pain. But by day 8 it was unbearable. COMPLETELY. I woke up at 6 am in so much pain. Couldn't sit, couldn't lay, couldn't stand, comfortably. I managed to find a semi-tolerable position on the couch...and winced in pain. The pain eventually became so unbearable I started to cry. I called the hospital and asked them to page the Dr. Of course she was on vacation... ARE YOU KIDDING ME? But, the Nurse Practicioner was available and they told me they would have her call me back.

Within 5 minutes she called, but by then I was blubbering so much I could barely muster the strength to tell her what was wrong. I managed to stop crying long enough to tell her I was in so much pain and for her to tell me to come in immediately.

Well, I was in so much pain...and feeling that John didn't really care (just because I was out of my mind at the time) I started yelling at him. Telling him he did not care about me because I was laying on the couch in pain and he didn't even ask me if I was alright. Well....how could he? He was in bed asleep. But I managed to mangle the whole event to suit me at the time. I yelled and cried and told him he was not taking me to the hospital because he didn't love me. He of course told me he was taking me and was not taking no for an answer. He apologized a thousand times for not asking me what was wrong (even though he knew there was no way he could know) and reassured me he loved me and was here to take care of me.

I finally gave in and we left. It was such an uncomfortable 45 minute ride. I couldn't sit still in the truck. Everything hurt. It hurt to touch my skin. I was miserable and didn't understand how I went downhill so quickly. I was still sulking and being a mean bitch (the only word that describes it) to John and he was so lovingly accepting all I was dishing out. And then...the hospital. It couldn't have been in my sights at a better time. I needed to be there. I was so miserable...

John took my hand and rushed me to the 8th floor. Asking me if I wanted him to get me a wheelchair. Of course I snapped and said, "No, I can walk." And he just continued on, like nothing.

We get to the "Chemo room"...and what a sad, miserable, horrid room it is... and they spot me right away. The nurse has me sit in a chair and puts a tourniquet on my arm to start an IV. Just the pressure building from the tourniquet was so painful! I wanted to start crying...but I didn't...yet. She started tapping on the back of my hand looking for a vein and it took everything I had not to cry. When she finally found a vein, she poked me and I started sobbing. It hurt so bad. She told me she was sorry and I had to apologize to her. It was not her fault, she didn't do anything wrong... I was just so sensitive. She started the IV and told me she would be back with some steroids. She said as soon as the steroids were infused I would start feeling much better. She also told me they would help with the back pain, the nausea and vomiting. She returned with the syringe and started pushing the steroids in...and I started yelling, "I'm gonna puke" over and over. The poor nurses... they started running around looking for an emesis basin for me to get sick in, bumping into each other and scrambling around. After I threw up, the nurse looked at me and said, "THAT was not supposed to happen. The steroids were supposed to make you feel better." Well, they did....AFTER. LOL.

They also told me that my blood pressure was extremely low and they needed to make sure I had more normal vitals OR... they were going to have to seek "other" options. Hmmmm...no way, no hospital for me.

After they pushed the fluids and other meds I fell asleep. Yay!!! When I woke up I felt better...a bit. My blood pressure returned to a "normal" level and I didn't feel as bad. They asked me a dozen times how I was feeling and I told them I am fine. Finally they gave in and told me I could go home...but if I started to feel bad again, I would need to return to the hospital.

John loaded me in the truck and we headed back home. While on the way home I began to realize how horrible I treated him earlier that morning. I started to apologize to him...all the while choking back tears.

This whole Breast Cancer journey has taken a huge toll on me...but I can only imagine what it's doing to John. He is going through everything I am and I am not being nice. I am so sorry for the way I have treated him. It brings me to tears every time I think about what he has to go through with me on a daily basis as well as my horrible attitude. I apologize to him daily and I only hope he realizes I love him with all my heart and hopefully he can forgive me when I turn back into that "crazy lady."